


One Shot

by Kaetlynn



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Blackouts, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Withdrawal, Drugs, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Hallucinations, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mild Sexual Content, Nightmares, Passive Suicidal Ideation, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Smoking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, cabin on the lake
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-01-12 00:37:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 28,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18435416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaetlynn/pseuds/Kaetlynn
Summary: After the events of Fault in Him, Casey does battle with demons old and new. Severide is there for whatever happens. Both of them uncover some very deep truths about how they really feel about each other.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for 7x16 Fault in Him. Possible triggers for folks, please read the tags. Nothing graphic, but please read them in case they could be triggering. This story deals with PTSD and mental health. I've thought for years that Casey is clinically depressed. I think he also has PTSD from any number of things that has happened, but especially this episode. Maybe the Chicago Fire writers could give Kelly and Matt a break every now and again, let them have nice things for a little while.

One Shot

Chapter One

"See if you can pry the door open. It looks like it's blocked; all kinds of boxes and shit all stacked up next to it. We can shove it out of the way if we can pry the door open."

Matt knew he had been here before. Not like this, though. At least not quite like this. It's always the little details that are different.

Sometimes it's raining. Sometimes the call comes out at night. Sometimes the apartment building looks different, at least until they wedge the door open, and then everything is the same. Everything that happens afterwards is a horrible replay, instant for instant, just the way it happened. The same boxes are stacked up to the ceiling, the musty air, and the barest trickle of light that filtered in through the shuttered and curtained windows was all the same.

Matt knew exactly what was coming. He had gotten to the point in his dreams and nightmares that he was fairly aware that he was dreaming. He just couldn't control anything that was happening, or even wake up.

Every single time he'd had this dream now, and it had been enough times that he had lost count, he couldn't stop his feet from moving forward. Matt heard the heavy footfalls of his boots on the bare wood floor like it was someone else's. He kept going, even though he knew what was coming.

Everything seemed quiet, until Matt realized there was no sound. A silent dream, that was a new one. He saw CPD filling the room suddenly, coming down the stairs and going out the front door. Matt knew what they were saying, even though he couldn't hear them. Suicide, just like they thought. They'd have the coroner come in and that was the end of it.

Matt was alone in the room.

Until noise and movement exploded toward him in a familiar blast. The dream wasn't silent anymore.

Matt went down, flat on his back, the wind knocked clean out of his lungs. The next thing he was aware of was a 45 caliber revolver pointed at his face. He was frozen, completely unable to move or scream. The next second seemed to take minutes to pass.

Matt focused on the attacker's hand holding the revolver, and watched his finger on the trigger. He saw his finger close in and tighten on the trigger until he fired.

Matt closed his eyes. This was it.

Only it wasn't. CLICK.

It was the definite sound of a firearm jamming. No gunshot, no echo, no smell of gunfire or blood. Just silence. Matt opened his eyes just in time to see his attacker glance up worriedly at the door, then raise his gun back up towards him again.

This time the gun didn't jam, but fortunately for Matt, this guy was a lousy shot. The bullet whistled past his ear as he reflexively flinched and huddled in on himself.

"Just do it, pull the trigger, just shoot me next time. Don't miss. Don't fucking miss the next time. Just do it!" Matt was yelling as loud as he could. He could barely get his words out through his panic.

"Casey? Are you in there, Captain?" Kelly. It was Kelly, it had to be. In his panic, he'd still recognize Kelly's voice anywhere. Matt saw him at the door, he'd be in the room right at his side in a minute. All of sudden he was quiet, and almost gentle in how he spoke to Matt. "It's me. It's Kelly. Everything's going to be okay."

Matt felt strong hands grip his arms, gently shaking him. "Wake up, Matt. Wake up, bud. It's okay. You're safe now."

Matt was still gasping for air. "Kelly, be careful. I don't know where that guy went. He's got a gun. He shot at me. He shot at me, and..."

"It's okay. He's gone. You're dreaming, Matt. Wake up. It's okay. Open your eyes. I'm right here. You're safe." Kelly's grip on him tightened. "Wake up, bud."

Matt gasped for air as his eyes opened wide. He sat up straight and realized he had fallen asleep on the couch in the middle of the day. He hadn't meant to fall asleep, but here he was. He was sweating so much that his t-shirt was completely soaked, and his hair was wet at the nape of his neck and in the front. He was breathing heavily, like he had come in from a run.

Kelly was right there, sitting on the edge of the couch, his arms still holding on tightly to Matt's arms. Kelly's eyes were wide and concerned.

"Kelly. Uhm…sorry. I had a bad dream. I just fell asleep for a minute and I don't know what happened." Matt coughed and cleared his throat. "I didn't sleep much last night, and I thought I'd lay down for a nap. I guess that was a bad idea." He looked at the floor. "Did you just get home?"

Kelly got up off the edge of the couch and sat on the other end of the couch next to Matt. "Pretty much. Don't be sorry, though. A bad dream's a bad dream." Kelly paused, choosing his next words carefully. "I'm always here if you need anything or if you ever want to talk about anything, you know." Kelly laughed. "You already know I'm not that good at advice. I don't even take my own. I'm a good listener, though."

"I'm fine, Kelly. It was just a dream." Matt curled in on himself, crossing his arms in an attempt to make himself smaller.

"Sure, you're fine. That's why you're moody as hell, waking up at night screaming, sleeping all through your days off, and ignoring and not talking to anyone. Because you're fine." As soon as the words left Kelly's mouth, he wanted to put them back in, but once they started coming out, they just kept coming and coming. "I've been there, I've been 'fine' before, and I get it. I don't know what you're personally going through, but I can tell you that it gets easier if you share it with someone. Just don't tell me you're fine when you're obviously not."

Matt's lips quirked up in a half-hearted smile. "You know you're about the fourth person who's told me that."

Kelly huffed. "Told you what?"

Casey scrubbed a hand through his sweaty hair. "That I should talk to someone." He exhaled slowly. "It's hard to do."

"It gets easier. It helps, I promise it does, Matt," Kelly paused. "You were talking in your sleep just now when I came in just before you woke up. I heard what you said."

Matt paled, if it was possible for him to get any paler than he already was. "I don't really remember. I mean, it was just a dream, I don't know what I was saying." He stared at the floor.

Kelly raised his eyebrows. "Okay. I won't say anything else about it. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to. I know you're lying if you say you're not battling some demons right now."

"I talked to Boden the other day. I just showed up at his house." Matt blurted out in a quick burst.

Kelly sat up. "Oh yeah? Chief's always got an open door and an open ear. That's good, Matt."

Matt twisted his hands together. "I didn't tell him everything."

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own or make money off of Chicago Fire or the characters.  
> Thank you to everyone who read and to everyone who reviewed! I don't know how long this fic will be, I have it loosely mapped out but it could vary in length so I'll see.   
> Trigger warning: suicidal ideation and suicidal themes.  
> I want to also mention that I don't write about or take these topics lightly. If you need help, please ask for it. 1-800-273-8255 (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline) is there 24 hours a day and these people CARE. Trust me.   
> Read on!

One Shot

Chapter Two

 

“I didn’t tell him everything.”

Matt wouldn’t look Kelly in the eyes. He was suddenly white as a sheet, and his hands were shaking. “I danced around it when I was talking to Boden. I think he knew where I was avoiding going, and he didn’t press it. It’s hard for me to open up about anything. I was barely able to get myself to the Chief’s house, much less knock on his door and tell him anything at all.”

Kelly didn’t exactly know what the “It” was Matt was talking about, but he figured he would find out here soon enough. He thought he had an idea of what it was.

“I mean, I had to talk to someone, but it’s hard to talk to someone who won’t, I don’t know, judge me or think less of me.” Matt quickly backpedaled. “I trust Boden, but there’s just some things you can’t let out, even to him. I just couldn’t. It didn’t feel right.” He rolled his neck around, trying to stretch out the tightness. “You know Brett and Sheffield had something going, and she tried to get him to talk to me. I don’t know what she told him, but I know it was out of a place of concern. Brett’s heart’s always in the right place, and I know the Chaplain means well, but I just couldn’t talk to him about this.”

Matt’s throat bobbed. “I trust you completely, Kelly. I hope you know that at this point. It never hurts to say it, though.”

“I trust you completely too. I’m always there. Now that we’re roomies again, my door’s always open too.” There it was, now Kelly was just waiting for Matt. Waiting for whatever he wanted to say or needed to get out. It came out much, much quicker than he thought.

Matt inhaled deeply and let out his breath in a giant whoosh. He chewed his cracked lips for a few seconds. “I haven’t slept more than a few hours a night since that day that guy shot at me. Almost every time I sleep I relive the whole thing, and it feels so real. Sometimes in the dreams, it’s different, like the small details are different. But then everything plays out the same way.”

Kelly was quiet. He didn’t know what to say or even if he should say anything, so he stayed silent.

“Kelly, did you know that guy pulled the trigger, point blank, inches from my face, and it jammed? Did you know that?” Matt’s voice was shaking.

Kelly’s face was shocked. He knew Matt had been knocked down at gunpoint on that call, but he didn’t know anything about him firing the weapon and the gun jamming. He imagined Matt laying on the floor, frozen in fear and anticipating death. He shivered. “I didn’t know that. I knew it was a rough call, but I didn’t know that.” _How did he not know that? Did someone tell him and he just didn’t hear it? Did everyone else know it and he didn’t?_

“I know we face life or death situations every day, but this one was different, Kelly. As soon as that gun was in my face, I knew that it was over. This one was it. I’ve had times where my whole life flashed before my eyes. I know you’ve had that happen to you too. This was different, though. It was so vivid. It was probably the adrenaline and all those stress chemicals kicked up into overdrive. This was real, I knew what was coming, and I barely had time to prepare myself for it.”

Matt paused. He took a gulp from his water bottle on the coffee table and continued. “He shoved the barrel of the gun up against my face for a second. That’s how close it was. Then I saw him pull the trigger. The whole thing happened in slow motion. I felt like I left my body for a second and watched him blow my head off. It was almost like it had already happened, and I thought I was dead. Then just like that, it didn’t happen. The gun jammed.” Matt licked his lips. “You’d think I would be relieved.” He shook his head. “Instead of being relieved, I was angry. I was so fucking mad, Kelly. As soon as the gun jammed, I wished it hadn’t.” Matt’s voice broke. “I didn’t realize until that moment how much I just want to die; I wish everything would be over and I could just go to sleep.” Tears flooded his eyes.

“I didn’t tell Boden any of that. I couldn’t tell him I’ve just wanted to give up, and when that guy knocked me down and shoved a gun in my face, I thought, okay. This is fine. This guy can do it for me, then I don’t have to. But I’m still here, and I don’t understand why. Boden said it wasn’t my time to go, and that’s why I’m alive.”

 “I wish I wasn’t alive anymore, sometimes, Kelly. Everything you said about me sleeping on my days off, being moody, isolating and not talking to anyone, you’re completely right. Once I’m off shift, there’s just this void. Nothing makes sense. There’s nothing I even want to do outside of work. I don’t even know who I am anymore outside of being Captain Casey.” He swiped angrily at tears beginning to seep out of the corners of his eyes. “Then I feel guilty for being alive and wanting to die, especially with all the death and suffering we see every day that no one deserves.” He sniffed, his voice becoming thick and gravelly. “I even feel guilty unloading this on you right now, I mean, your dad just died and here I am piling all my bullshit on you. I should just be able to push through this, but I don’t think I can keep doing that anymore.” He closed his eyes, tears finally breaking free down his cheeks.

Kelly sucked in a breath. “That’s a lot of guilt to carry around all the time. You’ll break your back with all that weight. I know about carrying around unnecessary guilt. It grows and grows and gets heavier all the time. It tore a hole open inside me, and I just kept pouring whiskey, drugs, one night stands, and more whiskey inside it. You have to let go of the guilt. Put it down on the ground and leave it. It’s a lot easier said than done, though. This is one of those do as I say, not as I do things.” Kelly got up and grabbed the paper towels from the kitchen. There was no box of tissues, so this would have to do the trick. He didn’t want Matt to keep having to use the back of his hands to wipe his eyes.

“I don’t know, Kelly. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. Normal people don’t think about death like that, especially their own. Do they? Do normal people just go around wishing they wouldn’t wake up in the morning?” Matt looked up at Kelly, eyes wide and pleading.

Kelly frowned. “What’s normal, anyway? You can’t get into people’s brains and know what they do or don’t think. Would you really want to, anyway? Everyone has their own demons. Some more than others.”

Matt licked his dry and cracked lips. “Nothing was ever supposed to be this way, you know.” He dug at his eyes with his fingertips. “When I was a kid and my dad died, and my mom went to prison, I thought that was the worst thing that could ever happen. I thought that was just the absolute lowest point I could have. My dad was, well, the way he was, but he was still my dad. Losing both parents at the same time was pretty rough. Now, looking back at the last ten years or so, it seems like everyone I get close to leaves or dies.”

He bared his teeth in a half-feral grin. “I watched Andy just go up in smoke, right in front of my eyes. I couldn’t stop it from happening. Heather taking Ben and Griffin to Florida broke my heart, Kelly. It was the last little bit of Andy gone forever.” Kelly thought this was one of those moments when there wasn’t anything he could offer, other than to keep listening intently.

“There was nothing I could have done to save Hallie. It took me a long time to realize that, even though it still hurts.” Matt exhaled deeply. “Everything got turned so upside down with Gabby, I never wanted things with her to end the way they did. But here we are. The papers are signed. She’s gone. She’s gone and I can’t accept it. I don’t want to accept it. I thought I had moved on, but I think I’m just avoiding actually dealing with it.” Matt pulled out his phone, scrolled down and held up his phone to Kelly. “I sat and stared at Gabby’s number for half an hour the other day. I didn’t know who else to call.”

“Did you call her?” Kelly ventured cautiously.

“Hell no. It’s stupid to even still have her contact in my phone. I know it’s over and I need to move on, completely move on.” Matt tossed his phone on the couch.

“It’s not stupid.” Kelly pulled out his own phone. “I’ve gotten two new phones since Shay died. Both times I transferred all my contacts over to my new phone. Look.” He held up his phone to show the contact page for Leslie Shay.

“Shay’s been gone for five years now. I can’t delete her number from my contacts. I used to call her number all the time, right after she died, just to hear her voice on the voicemail message.” Kelly smiled a little bit, a sad smile that didn’t go past the edges of his lips. “Then one day Shay’s voice wasn’t there. It had been shut off or whatever by the provider. I hung up that time. But I didn’t stop calling the number. One day when I called, someone actually answered on the other end. Not Shay, obviously.” Kelly cleared his throat. “It was this older lady, she didn’t even answer with a hello. She just goes, ‘Why the hell have you called my number fifteen times in the past week?’ I felt like she had reached through the phone and slapped me in the face. I couldn’t say anything. I instantly started crying, and once I started I couldn’t stop. I mean, I was completely sobbing, and this woman on the other end stays on the line long enough for me to breathe and tell her that her number used to be Shay’s. I explained to her I would call the number to hear her voice on her mailbox message, and I told her I was sorry and that I wouldn’t bother her anymore. There’s just silence on the line. I thought she had hung up. Then this complete stranger who I’m crying on the phone to apologized to me, told me I could call her any time if I wanted to talk.” Kelly laughed. “Her name’s Helen. I call her about every other week. I talked to her yesterday, in fact.”

Kelly threw his phone on the couch next to Matt’s. “I had a point with that story. I think it started out to make you realize you shouldn’t feel guilty about having Gabby’s number in your phone. I think also the point of the story evolved into being able to open up to people, and how sometimes people surprise you. I’m not sure. I’m pretty bad with stories, almost as bad as I am with advice.”

“I know you’re right. I wanted to delete her number, but I guess just looking at her name and the number underneath it made me feel better, if only for a second. I guess there’s no reason to bother deleting her number. I don’t have any delusions that we’ll get back together, so it’s not out of some misplaced attempt to keep her in my life in a capacity I know she’ll never be in again.” Matt awkwardly reached out and put his hand on Kelly’s shoulder. “You’re about the only person who’s stuck by me all these years. I’m glad you’re my friend. I’m really grateful to you.”

“Matt, I…” Kelly started. Matt cut him off. “No, even when we didn’t see eye to eye on things, you were always that person who I knew would be there when the bullshit lifted. You really are still here. We’ll still be friends when we’re old. I can see us sitting on the porch, drinking beer, telling kids to get off the lawn.”

Kelly grinned. “What do you mean when we’re old? You’ve got a birthday coming up, pops. It’s a big one, right? How old are you again?”

Matt groaned. “Fuck off. You know damn well how old I’m going to be. Don’t remind me. I found grey hairs the other day.”

Kelly threw back his head and laughed. “Boo-hoo. I started going grey when I was twenty-five. I can thank Benny for that one.” He rolled his eyes. “Genetic.” He lightly play punched Matt’s arm. “You want to come to Molly’s tonight with me? Celebrate the last few precious days of your thirties?”

Matt smiled, “Yeah, I think so. I think I need to get out of the apartment. Get some fresh air, be around other people. That’s a good idea.” He stood up and looked at his watch. It was later than he thought. “I’ll go get a shower and change. We can grab a burger or something on the way if you want.” He headed towards the shared bathroom, then turned back around. “Thanks for listening, Kelly. It means a lot.” Matt took a breath like he wanted to say something else, then closed his mouth. “Yeah, I’ll be done here in a little bit.” He turned around and closed the bathroom door behind him, running water following soon after.

Kelly let out a huge breath he didn’t even know he was holding. He didn’t know what he thought was going on with Matt, but this wasn’t exactly what he was expecting. He hadn’t expected Matt to open up that much to him, for one thing. He had no idea he was going through that kind of pain. Who would know, if Matt didn’t tell anyone?

Kelly felt like he was in way over his head with this one.

TBC

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Chicago Fire or its characters.  
> This is a shorter and light(er) interlude as a bridge between chapters.

One Shot

Chapter Three

It was Matt Casey's fortieth birthday. He stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom, shirtless, with his uniform pants on. He gripped the edge of the sink as he stared at his face. He didn't know what forty was supposed to look like, but this sure as hell wasn't what he had expected. He didn't feel old, really, but the face staring back at him said otherwise.

  
Matt leaned forward across the sink. The closer he got to his reflection in the mirror, the deeper the lines on his face looked. There were lines on his forehead he didn't remember being there, and he had crows feet that stood out even when he wasn't laughing or smiling. Admittedly, he hadn't been doing a whole lot of either these days, so he couldn't blame it on that and call them laugh lines. He looked about as tired as he felt. He didn't drink too much last night at Molly's with Kelly, but even with limiting himself to two beers and a shot, his eyes were still red and puffy. The dark circles under his eyes were even more pronounced than ever. Maybe it was because he was so pale. In a couple of weeks, the weather would warm up and he could finally start getting outside again and get some sun. Maybe he could lose some of that paleness.

  
He tried to remember what it was like to wear a real smile. He tried smiling at his reflection in the mirror, hoping maybe it would jog a memory somewhere inside of happiness, before everything happened. It felt so strange and odd, his lips pulled away from each other and stretched across his face. It was completely unnatural and strained, and didn't reach his eyes. It felt ridiculous.

  
At least his teeth still looked good, that was something, anyway. Good enough to knock a couple of years off his face, at least. He quickly closed his lips together and licked them. Gotta try to smile more, bud, that's part of your problem, he thought.

  
Matt pulled a white undershirt on and tucked it in, then pulled his white Captain's shirt over his head. He buckled his belt and stared at himself. Here goes nothing, he thought. Hopefully no one at the Station remembered it was his birthday. Kelly was the only one who had talked about it recently, and he hoped that he hadn't told everyone it was the Big One. He switched off the light in the bathroom and grabbed his duffel bag on his way to the kitchen. The coffee pot was unplugged, and there was a thermos of coffee waiting there for him.

  
Kelly.

  
Matt smiled a little to himself, then stopped. Why had Kelly left so early? He was never at the station before him. Hopefully he wasn't planning any kind of shenanigans. He grabbed the coffee and his keys and headed out the door, hoping that it would be a quiet day at the station and he could forget about some of the things that had been plaguing him.

  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Son of a bitch. They wouldn't."

  
They would, and they had.

The entire lawn of Station 51 was covered in pink plastic flamingoes. Forty of them, to be exact. A banner displayed in the center of the pink mass read "Happy 40th Birthday, Captain Casey! You're OVER THE HILL!" in black and silver letters.

Matt parked his truck in his usual spot, and before he had even unbuckled his seatbelt, he saw the entire shift coming out through the engine bay. Everyone had to have gotten here early to wait for him. A loud, unorganized cacophany of "Happy birthday"s filled his ears. Kelly was the first one to come up. "I tried to get them to nix the flamingoes. Mouch was the only one who agreed with me."

  
"You know, Trudy said that flamingoes are something people do more for a fiftieth or even a sixtieth birthday celebration. I had some other ideas, like a..." Mouch was cut off by Hermann.

  
"Shut up, Mouch. You only turn forty once, Casey. Except for me, I've turned forty 12 times. It keeps getting better each time. The first time's the best, though. You gotta live it up, while you can." Hermann clapped Casey on the back. "Happy birthday, Captain. It ain't so bad being over the hill." He cleared his throat. "That reminds me, tomorrow night, Molly's, seven pm. We're shutting down to the public for a private party for our Captain's Over the Hill blowout. Casey, I think you're the only person who doesn't know about it yet, it was supposed to be a surprise."

  
Matt turned red. "You guys did all this for me? I don't know what to say. Thank you," His throat felt thick. "I guess I should have known I wouldn't have been able to have my fortieth birthday pass without anyone else noticing." He scratched at his chin. "I'm kinda glad you guys noticed though." He smiled, a real one. It almost reached his eyes.

 

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I still don't own Chicago Fire or its characters.
> 
> When you stuff your feelings, it ends up coming out in other ways. Casey stuffs his feelings, and some of it comes out in other ways, and some of it's still in there waiting to come out. Severide still doesn't know just how much he's in over his head.

One Shot

Chapter Four

 

 

Molly’s, 1:30 a.m.

 

“Look, Captain, I’m not trying to break up a extra-special over-the-hill birthday party, but I think you’ve had enough. I mean, I’ve never thought you can have too much birthday, but there’s a first time for everything.” Hermann slid a tall glass of water across the bar at Casey. “Don’t be afraid to sip on some of that water. You’ll thank me tomorrow morning.” He motioned at Kelly, who was a few seats down the bar, laughing with Capp and Kidd.

“Hey, Severide, I think your boy’s had enough. I called him a cab, but I didn’t tell him. He started getting, well, I don’t know. He was laughing and having a good time and then he just suddenly wasn’t. He got quiet and I didn’t press it too much. If I didn’t know him better I would say he was blacking out. He was drinking like a college kid but I don’t think that’s what’s going on. I thought maybe he would take the suggestion to call it a night better from you.” He turned back around to Casey, who was swaying on his barstool, his eyes glassy and unfocused.

Hermann groaned. “You didn’t drink your water, Casey, don’t make me mom you.”

Kelly looked over at Matt, who looked like he was ready to fall over. He sighed and punched Capp on the shoulder. “Looks like it’s time for me to bow out.” Capp motioned towards Matt. “Captain okay over there? I’ve never seen him get that shitty. He's drank me under the table before." 

Kelly shook his head. "I think it's just time to call it a night. Too much birthday." He got up and snuck up behind Matt and poked his back, announcing himself gently.

“All right, birthday boy, you wanna go outside for a smoke? I know you quit but you get drunk enough, you want a smoke, and there’s no substitute for a cig when you're drunk.” Kelly snaked his hand around Matt’s neck. He didn’t want to startle him, and he also didn’t want to piss him off.

Matt grinned drunkenly. “You got some cigarettes, Sev? We could go get some cigarettes if you’re out, and we could get some more beer, cause Hermann,” he pointed uncoordinatedly over towards Hermann, “cut me off, and I’m not even really drunk. I’m not drunk at all. I could do a field bobriety test and I’d be fine. I’d pass. I’d be totally fine.”

Kelly laughed. “You said ‘bobriety’. I think you’re cut off for a reason, bud.” He pulled a Zippo out of his jacket pocket. “Let’s go outside before Kidd finds out I’m smoking again.”

Matt’s eyes widened and he brought a finger to his lips as he “Sshhhhhhed” and then laughed loudly enough to draw Hermann’s attention. Hermann mouthed the words “cab’s coming” to Kelly and pointed at the door.

Kelly gripped Matt’s shoulder as he stood up, and held him steady as he staggered towards the door. Matt was having a good time tonight, almost too good of a time. Kelly’d been keeping a closer eye on his friend since their conversation the other night, but at the same time, he wasn’t here to police him or be a mother hen. He knew that sometimes checking up on someone and being there to listen if needed was the best thing that you could do as a friend. That’s what he was trying to do for Matt.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Molly’s door slammed shut behind the pair. The street was quiet, and there wasn’t a cab to be seen anywhere. “Hey Matt, you know how to make a cab appear?”

Matt shook his head.

“You bring out a magic wand.” Kelly had two cigarettes in his hand, he held out one to Matt. He lit up his own and blew out smoke through his nose. He handed the Zippo to Matt too. He watched as Matt put the cigarette between his lips and lit it. The light from the Zippo flickered and lit up his face in an orange glow.

_Stop staring at him, Kelly._

He was completely staring at him. He was watching the way his cheekbones moved and the way his lips closed around the filter of the cigarette. Matt flicked ash on the sidewalk behind him. “Wait, whadda ya mean a cab? Are we goin home or somethin?”

Kelly laughed. “Yeah, you forgot already?” They sat in silence for a few minutes. Kelly blew out blue smoke and tossed the butt in the ashtray by the trash can on the curb. “You want another one?”

Matt nodded wordlessly. Kelly placed a cigarette in his mouth and lit it, taking a drag. He took it out of his mouth and put it right between Matt’s parted lips. “There you go, bud.” He rubbed his hands together. He lit up his own second smoke. “It’s pretty cold out tonight, huh? I guess I didn’t think I’d be waiting outside for a cab for this long, I would have brought a hat with me.”

Matt turned his head and stared up at Kelly. He sat down hard on the curb, groaning as he hit the concrete. “Come sit down here.”

Kelly did as he was asked.

Matt squinted and reached out to Kelly’s face, tracing along his forehead. “You got little, you know, little lines too.” His fingers traveled town Kelly’s face, all the way down to his lips. He stopped suddenly, and snatched his hand away. Matt stared at his hand without the half-smoked cigarette. It was shaking.

“You doin’ okay tonight, bud?”

Matt dipped his chin to his chest. His eyes glittered in the glow of the streetlights. He took a deep breath, then another deep, shaking breath. “I don’t know. I don’t know. You, uh...coming home too, Sev?”

“What happened to Kelly?” Kelly laughed nervously. Matt had just had too much to drink. Kelly knew from experience that sometimes when he was going through a little too much shit, everything started to come out like a volcano when he drank too much. He thought that might be what was going on.

Matt poked Kelly in the forehead. “Kelly’s right here.” He brushed his fingers through the short, greying hair at Kelly’s temple. “I’m sorry I ruined the party by getting fucked up.” Matt swallowed hard.” I didn’t mean to do it. It just sort of happened. Somewhere between the tequila and the…..” Matt swallowed, “The tequila.”

Kelly licked his lips and looked around for the cab, wherever the hell it was. “Yeah, you mighta had a couple too many shots, but don’t be sorry. You gotta cut loose and let off some steam sometime. Especially for your birthday, it’s nothin’ to apologize for.” He grinned. “You know, it is almost two o’clock. You lasted almost the whole night, that’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

He exhaled the last drag on his cigarette and stubbed it out as a cab turned the corner. “Time to go home, bud. You need to get some shut eye. Tomorrow we can...” Never mind, it wasn’t their cab.

“Dammit. I guess we should have made Hermann call an Uber. Who calls a cab anymore, anyway? Hermann’s really behind the times.” Kelly turned to face Matt, who was taking the last drag on his cigarette. He stubbed it out and got up to put the butt in the ashtray too, when he stumbled and fell into Kelly. His face smashed against Kelly’s. Matt’s face was rough with a now two-day beard. It scratched Kelly’s cheek as he struggled to regain balance and equilibrium, and his lips brushed his cheek awkwardly. His lips were soft and warm, and Kelly didn’t know what to do with that information. He smelled like Crown Royal and cigarettes, and while strangely not actually unpleasant, it made Kelly realize the bitch of a hangover Matt was going to have in the morning. He had been drinking everything, and by everything, he meant everything.

Shoulda stuck to all clear liquors, Case, Kelly thought. He groaned out loud.

“Aw, shit, Kelly, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall over on ya,” Matt slurred, “I think I’m a little bit drunk, actually.” He gripped Kelly’s shoulder and laughed.

“It’s okay, I think I figured that out by now, bud.” Kelly reached out for the stubbed-out butt in Matt’s hand. “Here, I’ll get that for ya.” Kelly stood up and tossed the butt in the ashtray as a cab came around the corner. “That’s us, I’ll pull you up. Grab my hand.”

Kelly gripped Matt’s hand and pulled him up off the sidewalk like it was nothing. Matt swayed, one hand in a pocket and the other hand in Kelly’s. The two, one much more drunk than the other, made their way to the cab to finally head home. “We’ll get home, we’ll get you some water and something to eat before you pass out, okay? Sound good?”

Matt barely nodded, and crashed almost headfirst into the cab. He looked miserable, and Kelly followed him in. The two sat in the backseat in silence on the way home. It was almost painful how quiet it suddenly was. The sound of the breeze through the open windows was enough to break up the awkwardness.

Matt’s hand was still in his pocket, and he fiddled nervously with an unmarked pill bottle just quietly enough so Kelly wouldn’t hear it. He wouldn’t want to lose it on his way back into the apartment.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I still don't own Chicago Fire or its characters.
> 
> Casey keeps having PTSD nightmares, and overdoes it on the central nervous system depressants. Casey, Casey, Casey.

One Shot

 

Chapter Five

 

Sirens blared around Matt as he rode his way to a box alarm. It was about a 50-50 chance that this call would end up being a false alarm, and after they checked out the building, they could sound the all-clear and everybody on both ends could go on with their day. The truck pulled up with the squad hot on its heels, and there was no smoke showing from anywhere in the apartment building. That didn’t necessarily mean anything, though.

Matt did a double take at the building. _It couldn’t be. There is no goddamn way._

It was the same building that he had almost bought it inside. The same building where that guy pinned him down and shoved a gun at his face, then pulled the trigger. He wouldn’t mistake it for another building anywhere. _How had I not heard the address and realized it was that building?_

Not that it mattered now, the truck was here, and he had a job to do.

Matt could hear the alarm going off, and he grabbed his mask and oxygen tank to sling over his back on the way up the stairs. He was on autopilot, which was a dangerous thing on this job, but there wasn’t a lot he could do about it at this point. He vaguely heard himself shouting orders to the rest of Truck 81, and he reached the top of the stairs to try the door. The door opened right up this time, and there were no stacks of boxes in the way.

_Of course, we knocked all that stuff out of the way, that day we were here. Of course there’s no one else to put it back in front of the door._

There wasn’t any smoke or fire, or anything out of the ordinary in the building so far as he could see. He radioed for Hermann and Otis. He couldn’t hear his own voice anymore.

No one was coming. Where the hell was everyone?

It didn’t really matter too much at the moment. He was almost done with his search on the first floor, and was ready to climb the steps to check out the upstairs when he heard a noise out of the kitchen where he had just checked. He had no more turned to look to see what the noise was when he was saw movement headed towards him.

Matt was tackled to the floor; the air in his lungs knocked out of him in a painful hit. He saw stars, and as his eyes started to focus, he saw his attacker. Greyish-tan unbuttoned jacket and baggy pants, it was another firefighter. It had to be.

What the hell?

Matt’s eyes focused, and the face of the attacker became clear. It was a face he would never mistake anywhere, for anyone else.

"Kelly?"

What the **hell?**

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It was Kelly, all right. He laughed, and it was such a cruel, evil-spirited laugh that it felt like a knife twisted in Matt’s chest. Kelly pinned Matt to the floor with his knee, and his right hand went to his pocket.

Matt knew what was coming, and he shut his eyes against the horror. He was dreaming, he had to be. He opened his eyes back up, and Kelly was still there, still on top of him. Except now, he had a Glock pointed straight at his face, less than two feet away from his nose.

Matt swallowed. His throat was dry. "Come on, Kelly. Please. Put the gun down. Just put it down." He raised his hands up. "You don’t want to do this."

Kelly jerked the gun closer to Matt’s face. "Don’t tell me what I do and don’t want to do." He inched the gun even closer to his face until Matt felt the cold metal press into his cheek.

"You’re dead, firefighter." Kelly traced the barrel of the gun up and down Matt’s face. "Look at that, look at your pretty face. Such a waste. It’s gonna be all over the floor in a minute." He laughed, and Matt’s heart nearly stopped.

"Come on, Kelly! Please, don’t do it."

Kelly relaxed his grip on the gun. "I thought that’s what you wanted, to die. I was just going to help you out, give you that push you need." He grinned. "See you on the other side, bud."

Kelly suddenly pulled his hand up and fired off a shot towards the outer wall in the living room. It was loud, vibrating, and it definitely didn’t jam. He smirked and turned the gun on Matt. The last thing he heard wasn’t the gunshot, but the sound of his own screams mixed with the pounding of his heart and his heavy breathing.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Matt sat up straight in bed, his sheets completely soaked in sweat. He didn’t remember going to bed, or even getting home from the bar that night.

It was his birthday party at Molly’s last night. He remembered that.

That was about all he remembered. Kelly had obviously gotten him home safely, even though he didn’t remember how. _Did they walk home? They couldn’t have walked from Molly’s, it was too far. Surely to god_ he _didn’t drive, and hopefully Kelly didn’t either._

"Must’ve Ubered home…" Matt slurred out loud to no one in particular. He felt a sudden panic as he remembered one thing.

The Klonopin.

The last place he remembered putting it was his pocket at the bar. He wasn’t sure how he could remember so little about the events of the night before, but he could remember the last place he put the pills.

Matt wasn’t sure that was such a good thing. He wouldn’t even have been walking around out in public with that many pills on him, except for the fact that he had gotten them outside the bar during his birthday party.

It definitely wasn’t a moment he was proud of, buying pills in a dark alley while his friends were inside Molly’s throwing him a huge birthday party. He pretended to take a phone call that he had to step outside for, then ran to an alley a little ways down the street. He had lied and said it was his niece calling him, some kind of trouble with her boyfriend and she needed some advice. Matt felt terrible using his niece as part of his lie, but it was just his shitty luck that this guy he had found could only get to him tonight to deliver the stuff to him.

He had wanted something to calm him down and help him sleep, maybe some Xanax. Jason, this friend of a friend, told Matt he was low on Xanax right now, but he had some Klonopin that he could sell him for cheaper.

"It’s better than Xanax, man, I promise. It’ll do the trick. If you’re having trouble unwinding and relaxing, this stuff is what you want." Jason shook a bottle then handed it to him. "Happy birthday, by the way. There’s a couple extra in there, you know, as a birthday bonus." He grinned as Matt passed a wad of cash into his hand, low and out of view. "Take it easy tonight, okay, man? Get back to your party before people start to worry about you."

Matt nodded a thanks and waved as he backed away. He had conflicting feelings of guilt at buying drugs in an alley and lying about it, and elation at having succeeded at buying drugs.

It was definitely a first, no matter how he looked at the situation. Either way, he had to get back to the bar, before anyone wondered where he was. He was only gone five minutes. He could make it back without any questions from anyone. Matt looked at the pill bottle with the label scratched off. He opened it up and shook out a pill into his hand. He wanted to take it. It would loosen him up, calm him down, and he could actually have a good time. Maybe he could forget about that day when the gun jammed, or Andy, or Gabby, or anything else that made his insides twist up and seize.

He stared at the pill in his hand for what seemed forever, then he knocked it back and dry swallowed it.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

That must have been the way it happened, the way the little pieces that he did remember fell into place. He still couldn’t remember other things about the night, and Matt took that to be a blessing. If he couldn’t remember, then maybe there was a reason he couldn’t remember. Kelly would tell him all about it if he had acted like an idiot. He reached down to where his pockets would be, instinctively.

He was still wearing his jeans. He hadn’t even changed out of his clothes he had worn to the bar, although he was shirtless. Wonder of wonders, the pill bottle was still there. Matt gripped the bottle through the fabric, then pulled it out and stared at it in the dim light.

What time was it, anyway?

Matt looked at his phone. It was 5:45. He should go back to sleep, try to relax and rest up. He still felt drunk. He tossed the pills into the duffel bag in the corner, and crashed back into bed. He had the entire day to sleep and recover, and so what if he was still drunk in the morning? He was off-shift, anyway.

Kelly hadn’t heard him thrashing and screaming, so his nightmare that night must not have been so loud as the last couple of ones. It was just as terrifying as the rest of them, for him, though. Matt dropped his head back onto the pillow, and waited for relief and relaxation to wash over him.

It was elusive, and he tossed and turned for ages until he finally started to feel drowsy again. His last thoughts before drifting off were of Kelly, sitting with him on the curb last night, lighting his cigarette for him, and making sure he didn't fall over into the street.

Only the good parts of his birthday.

 

 

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I'm back! I'm finally updating, after a semi-long hiatus. These past few weeks have been crazy. I had some moments where either nothing I wrote down seemed good to me, or coherent enough to piece together and edit for an update. So, the good news is that I've finally gotten out of that rut, and I also have five separate documents of different content for updates, I just have to edit them. 
> 
> I'm excited to see how the rest of the season will turn out, although I'm a little afraid that they're going to make Casey and Brett a couple. I can't even go into how badly I do not want this to happen, except N.O. I'm getting ready to marathon all three Chicagos here in about an hour or so, and I hope I'm wrong about what I think is going to happen. 
> 
> Hopefully I'll get an update out sooner than this time, and if I don't, everyone have a Happy Mother's Day :D

Chapter Six

Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago Fire or its characters, nor am I making any money off of them.

 

 

 

Matt heard a muffled bell ringing, like it was coming from behind a wall or in another room. He slowly awoke and realized that the bell was his alarm clock. He had set an alarm last night, apparently, so he wouldn't sleep the entire day. He grabbed for his phone to turn off the alarm.

_It couldn't be 11:00. Why would I set an alarm for 11:00?_ Matt dug his fingers into his stinging eyes. He sat up sluggishly. He felt like he was moving through jello. This was definitely a hangover for the books. Matt wondered if he would have still felt as bad if he had skipped the pill he had popped at the bar.

_Most likely_ , he told himself. _You took a lot of shots and chased them with a lot of beers last night. The Klonopin probably doesn't have a whole lot to do with it. It probably just helped you sleep._

That's what he'd tell himself anyway. Matt slid to the edge of the mattress and tried to stretch out the soreness and achiness in his shoulders. He eyed his duffel bag in the corner where he knew the pills were.

He stood up and the floor immediately started to spin. There was no way he was still drunk, he had to just have stood up too quickly and gotten dizzy. Matt gripped the edge of the bed until the wave of dizziness passed. He unzipped the duffel bag and pulled out the pill bottle.

He stood there debating whether or not he wanted to take one. He was off shift today,

He dry swallowed a pill, then pulled a grey tee on before heading for the kitchen. Maybe coffee would help, and then again, maybe it wouldn't. There was only one way to find out.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Of course Kelly had fallen asleep on the couch, and was still asleep. Matt tried to move quietly and slowly, so he wouldn't wake him up, but he was unsuccessful.

Kelly jumped and sat up straight on the couch, wide eyed and rough looking. He was mumbling something that didn't sound like actual words. Matt laughed. "What's wrong, you look like you had a rough night too. "

Kelly's eyes focused on Matt and he began to fully wake up. "Hmm, what's that? I think you're the one who had the rough night, bud. I wasn't the one who got cut off at the bar." Matt grimaced. "Did that happen? Was it at Molly's?"

Kelly frowned. "That's the only place we were, man. You were hammered by the end of the night, Hermann cut you off and got us a cab." He rubbed his tired eyes. "You don't remember any of that?"

Matt shook his head. "No, I mean, yeah, I remember it. Some of the details are a little bit fuzzy. I know I drank a little too much last night. I'm feeling it this morning, and I have a feeling it's going to be one of those super long lasting hangovers."

"Hopefully it doesn't go into a second day hangover." Kelly had been on some benders in his day that produced some multi-day hangovers.

"Hair of the dog?" Kelly pulled the bottle of Stoli out of the freezer and held it up. The bottle was half full, frosty, and the vodka sloshed against the sides of the glass bottle as he waved it not unappetizingly in the air. Matt winced, but nodded a yes.

"Hair of the dog sounds like a good idea. Do we have any orange juice?" Matt rifled through the fridge until he found a tiny, single portion bottle of orange juice. He set it down on the countertop and grabbed glasses and ice cubes. "Screwdrivers it is, then." Kelly poured the liquor, and Matt topped off the glasses with orange juice. Kelly raised his glass first. "Here's to, I don't know. Whatever."

Matt raised his glass and clinked it against Kelly's. "I'm good with whatever. Here's to a day off." He sipped tentatively at the drink and set it down on the table. He looked up to see Kelly staring at him. "What? You okay?" Matt laughed nervously.

Kelly scoffed. "I was going to ask you that same question. You went pretty hard last night. I mean, I'm not one to talk. I'm just saying. With everything going on with you, I guess I'm just asking if you're okay, or if there's anything else going on."

Matt raised his eyebrows. "I was having a little too much fun and got carried away at the bar. I had a little too much to drink is all." He took a gulp of his drink. "Things haven't really gotten that much easier for me, you know. The dreams haven't gotten that much better. I keep seeing an asshole with a gun in my face every time I close my eyes." Matt swallowed and dug at his eyes with his fingers. "But I'm functioning. I'm getting up every morning and trying to get past it. I don't know what the fuck else to do, Kelly."

Matt paced the floor. "Being hungover doesn't really help me talk about this, either." He laughed half-heartedly.

It was getting more and more frequent that Kelly didn't know what to say to Matt. The only thing he could come up with was, "I think the coffee is almost done brewing, you want a cup?"

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

One week later

 

Matt shook out the last pill in the bottle and dry swallowed it. It was ten o'clock at night, and he had already skipped out on going to Molly's with Kelly and the rest of the crew. His hope was that he would be able to fall asleep quickly without nightmares, although he knew enough not to get his hopes up too much in that department. He had even been having flashbacks that sent him into a complete panic. The last time it happened, Matt thought he was having a heart attack. He broke out into a full body sweat, and all of a sudden his chest ached with every breath he struggled to take. It ended with him crying uncontrollably on the floor in the officer's quarters in the firehouse.

Matt had been so grateful that he had shut the blinds earlier that week and not opened them back up again. He knew one thing, and that was that he couldn't let this keep happening, especially not at work. He couldn't let anyone at work see him fall apart like that.

That didn't matter now. He was off shift, and as far as Matt was concerned right now, his brain was off as well. He stared at his phone and scrolled down his contacts until he got to "J".

He tapped on Jason's number and heard the ringing on the other end. Matt didn't expect him to pick up. He was half-hoping to be let off the hook for what he was going to do next, but after four rings, Jason's voice answered the phone with a "Hello".

Matt swallowed. "Jason. This is Matt, from the other night? I was wondering if you would be able to do me a favor..."

TBC

　

　

　

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to get in another update before this weekend happens and I'll be out of commission for a while. I want to make a disclaimer that the extent of my law enforcement knowledge comes from watching Live PD on A&E, which is possibly the most addicting thing to watch on tv. They have Live Rescue too now, which is not as addicting, but it is growing on me.  
> ANYWAY, all that was to say, apologies if the traffic stop/law enforcement stuff is iffy. I saw it that way on tv :)  
> But all of you should watch Live PD though. 
> 
> As always I don't own Chicago Fire or any of the characters.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

How did he let this happen?

How the _fuck_ did he get here? It was like he got here out of nowhere, but he knew it wasn't like that.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blue and white lights flashed directly behind him, signaling him to pull over.

Matt slammed his hands on the steering wheel in anger and disgust at himself. "Son of a _bitch._ " There could literally not be a worse time for him to be pulled over by the cops. Not only had he been drinking when he had met up with Jason for his pills, but he was driving around with all those pills in his truck. Jason had come through for him, and by come through, he had really _come through._ He had more than he probably needed, and now he was going to be caught with it.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Matt had survived everything from building collapses and the devouring hunger of flame, and the toxic fumes of chemical spills. He'd survived being on the other end of a gun with the trigger being pulled, for god's sake.

This time, though? This time, he might be really and completely fucked.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Evening. Officer Brown, Chicago Police Department. Do you have your license, registration, and proof of insurance on you?" Matt nodded and pulled the cards and registration out of his wallet. He ignored how badly his hands were shaking.

"Is there anything in the car I need to know about? Any weapons, bombs, hand grenades, dead bodies? Rocket launchers?"

Matt shook his head no. The officer squinted at him. "How about on you? Any guns, knives, anything that's gonna poke me? You got a rig on you?"

"Do I look like I shoot up?" Matt scoffed.

"I guess that's a no? I'm just asking so I don't get stuck. I don't like getting stuck."

"No, sir. I don't have anything like that." Matt blew out a deep breath that he didn't even know he was holding. He knew what the next question was going to be, and he felt sick in anticipation. When it didn't come, he wasn't exactly relieved, since it was another set of questions entirely.

"Why don't you step out of the truck. I'm just going to pat you down to check for weapons, for my safety and yours." When Officer Brown was satisfied that Matt wasn't carrying anything, he pulled back and stood in front of him.

"I watched you cross the double yellow line, back on McCoy, past 14th street. You were swerving in and out. You been drinking a little bit? I can smell it, so don't lie to me."

Matt internally weighed the options. There was no way around it, there was no way in hell he should have gotten behind the wheel, and he had. He decided to just be upfront and honest, and take what he knew would be coming to him.

"It's pretty obvious, isn't it?" Matt sucked in a deep breath.

"How much have you had?"

"I've had enough to know I'm going to blow over the limit." Matt ran a hand down his face. "I know I have nystagmus, I know I'm not going to pass any kind of field sobriety test." The officer tilted his head to one side and squinted at him again. "You can do the tests, if you want. If you don't want to, that's also your right. It's up to you."

Matt sighed. "Fine. I'll do the tests." He knew he was going to jail.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Matt did all of the tests, the walking an imaginary straight line test, the following the officer's finger with your eye test, and the standing on one leg test. It was time to do the Portable Breath Test.

"Blow, blow, blow, blow, blow, blow. Okay, perfect. Good job." The officer put the mouthpiece in Matt's pocket. It took a little bit for a reading to come up, but when it did, it read .19, over twice the legal limit.

"Why don't you turn around and put your hands behind your back like you're praying." The officer clasped the handcuffs on one at a time. They were cold, and Matt felt sick.

"You're under arrest for operating a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol." He pulled out a card from his pocket. "I gotta read you this before I ask you anything else, okay. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney before answering any questions. If you would like an attorney but cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you before questioning if you wish. If you decide to answer questions without an attorney present, you have the right to stop answering questions at any time. Do you understand these rights as I've explained them to you?" Matt nodded yes.

The officer put the card back in his pocket. "You're going to jail tonight, man. I can work with people on a lot of stuff, especially CFD, but you're going to have to go in for this. You'll probably be out in the morning, though. You're not the first firefighter I've arrested for an OVI, and you won't be the last." A second patrol car pulled up behind them. "Just tell me. How much have you had to drink today?"

It was a very specific type of dread, one Matt hadn't yet known, knowing you're screwed, and then seeing a second police car roll up. "I had about three shots of whiskey, and three beers." Matt swallowed hard. He didn't mention the Xanax he had taken too.

"Look, you know I have to do this, right? I gotta tow your truck rather than have you get someone to come and pick it up, and it's going to the impound lot, as soon as we do inventory. The wrecker's on the way to get your truck off the road. There's nothing else in there we need to know about, is there?"

Casey took a sharp inhale. There was no point in bullshitting, he knew he was in _real_ trouble now. "I've got some pills."

The officer tilted his head to one side. "What kind of pills we talking here? You got some pain pills laying around or something like that? It wouldn't be the first time a few pain pills fell out of a pill bottle on accident in a cop or firefighter's car. We could probably work with that if that's what's going on."

Casey's face felt like it was two hundred degrees and beet red. "Not quite. It's a little more complicated than that."

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fifteen minutes and a full K-9 search later, all of the pills were sitting in the front seat of Matt's truck. Matt was sitting on the curb with his head tucked against his chest.

"Wow, you weren't lying when you said you had some shit in your truck, man. I appreciate it when people don't bullshit me, it goes a long way." Officer Brown shook a pill bottle before putting it on the hood of the truck. "I don't know just how far it can go with me, though, I think it might be up to the DA this time." He pulled out another pill bottle, then another. All went on the hood of the truck.

The officer motioned at all the pills. "You know this is pretty serious, right? This is more than just personal use. I mean, I know you say it's personal use, and I believe you, on that level. But this stuff, in this amount, you're gonna catch a trafficking charge. This is a lot of fuckin' pills for one person." He opened the bottle up and stuck his flashlight beam inside. "You got Xanax bars, Klonopin, Valium, there's like two other kinds of pills here. Is this Ambien? Do you even know what all you have here? You got, like, two other bottles of this one. The bottles are pretty full. They don't come from the pharmacy like that."

Casey felt sick. "I'm not dealing. It's for me." He was swaying now. "I mean, I know you don't believe me. I know you're a cop, you get lied to all the time." He swallowed hard. "I've got a problem."

"It's kinda obvious you got some kinda problem, man. You'll be able to make some phone calls, though, don't worry. I know you know people down at the precinct."

"What do you mean?"

"You know Sergeant Platt, Detective Dawson, and Sergeant Voight, don't you? They already re-routed me. I'm taking you to the 21st division for booking. Voight wants to talk to you, personally."

Matt was shaking now.

How the _fuck_ did he let this happen? How the _fuck_ did he get here?

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Matt sat handcuffed at a table in a interrogation room. He should have known something like this was coming. What was the saying, play stupid games, win stupid prizes? Yeah. He had won some really good stupid prizes, for sure.

He could hear footsteps outside, at least three different sets. There were muffled voices, but he couldn't pick out a specific voice he recognized.

Until the door opened.

Sergeant Hank Voight. Of all the possible fucking police in the entire Chicago Police Department, it had to be this guy. Matt looked at the floor. He refused to look Voight in the eyes.

"Captain Casey. How've you been doing? It's been a while." Matt said nothing.

"Well, I see you don't want to talk, and that's completely fine. It's your right, in fact. You know we usually don't hold people and interrogate them on a DUI charge, or even a possession charge." Voight folded his hands in his lap. "You know we got a little more here than a DUI or a simple possession."

Matt finally looked up and met Voight's eyes. This was it. This was what had been coming for him. His mind went back all those years. All he had to do back then was rewrite that accident report, and Voight never would have been out for blood. Matt was looking at a stint at Stateville now, and it was nobody's fault but his own.

"You know, Captain, I don't think you understand--" Casey cut in angrily. "No, I do understand, I understand that," He swallowed, "I've been doing some stupid bullshit and now it's time to pay the piper."

Voight stared across the table. "I won't argue with that, Lieutenant. I gotta tell ya, though," Voight cleared his throat, "that's not where I was going with this." He blinked at Casey. "Do you play golf, Lieutenant?"

Casey squinted. "I used to, yeah. Why? What does this have to do with..."

Voight tapped his fingers on the table. "This is your Mulligan. Your do-over. Your second chance, get out of jail free card. Whatever you want to call it."

"What do you mean? Why?" Casey was confused, shocked, but mostly confused.

"I know we've had our differences in the past, but the past is the past. Everyone deserves a second chance." Voight tossed the pile of papers on the table. "I know you're not dealing. I know you've been going through some shit. I know a lot more and understand a lot more than you probably think I do."

"Sometimes people get into a rough spot and they need some help to get out of it. I don't think you're a bad person because you had some pills, or even because you were driving drunk." Voight cleared his throat. "Are those bad choices? Absolutely. Have I ever made bad choices too? Absolutely." He stacked his papers on the table. "You say the pills are for you, and I believe you. You know, it doesn't take long to get sucked into that shit. You need more and more and then it just doesn't do what it's supposed to do anymore. You think you have it under control but then it's too late, and before you know it, it's controlling you." Voight tapped his fingers. "I've known a lot of people, good people, who had a problem with this stuff. Even police."

Matt was dumbfounded. He could barely believe what he was hearing. There was no way Voight was being serious. Was this even the same Sergeant Hank Voight he had interactions with in the past? He thought he could hear Voight still talking, but he had tuned out his voice when his mind had started to wander.

"...are you taking every day?" Matt caught the last part of something Voight was saying to him. What was he asking him? How many pills and what kind he was taking every day?

"Uhm, usually just the Klonopin, I don't really know how many each day. It depends." Matt stared at the floor, trying to downplay, even though he knew Voight was the last person on the planet he could bullshit.

"'Cause we inventoried everything you had, and you had a lot more than Klonopin in there. I mean, Klonopin's pretty fucking strong, and if you were drinking on top of that, you'd be fucked up for sure. You had Valium, Xanax, you had a couple of Vicodin, and you had Ambien. I would have expected to find some blow and some Molly because that sounds like a standard drug dealer's pharmacy. Except I know that's not what you're up to." Voight stopped and stared at Matt. "So, again, how much are you taking? Are you going to be able to stop taking this stuff cold turkey, or is it to the point where you gotta taper down on it? Or, do you need to go somewhere to detox?"

"I don't think I need to go anywhere, but I don't know if I can quit cold turkey. I started taking the Klonopin to calm me down since," Matt paused to swallow hard. "A really bad call that almost got me killed. Worse than a lot of other bad calls I've been on. I thought it would help, and it did, at first. But recently, everything has gotten so much worse, and I don't know what do do about it."

"Do you have anything else, stashed at home or something, that you can take in the meantime, to taper yourself off of the pills? I'm not asking you to try to trick you, I need to know so I can help you. I've helped people get off of pills before. If you need some to taper down I can make that happen." Matt thought of the extra pill bottle he had stashed in the back of his closet. There was at least twelve pills in that bottle. That would do it, hopefully.

"I've got a couple left. It should be fine." Matt's heart was racing. "Can I ask you again, Sergeant, why are you doing this?" He swallowed. "I'm incredibly grateful, and I am going to try like hell to get my shit together, but I don't understand."

Voight's mouth curved up on one side, not quite a smile. "You know the saying about gift horses and what not to do with them?" He exhaled slowly. "All your pills went to found property to be destroyed, and I'm going to make sure there's no record of what happened tonight."

Matt nodded, and sniffed. _Just don't fucking cry here in front of Voight._

"It's almost seven a.m. You can call someone to come pick you up. I'll have Antonio get your stuff for you. All you'll have to do is go get your truck out of impound." Voight stood up and offered his hand out to Matt. "Good luck, Captain. You know where to get in contact with me if you need to."

Matt shook his hand, and before he knew it, Voight was gone, and Antonio had replaced him.  
"Matt. I know you had a long night, I got your phone right here. You can call someone to come and pick you up. You don't have to wait down here."

Matt was mortified at the knowledge that Antonio knew he was here, and more importantly, knew why he was here. Things were awkward enough anyway since the divorce. "I appreciate it, Antonio. I don't know what to say. I just, I've been making a lot of bad decisions. No excuses."

Antonio nodded. "You know, I understand a lot more than you probably know. If you ever need to talk or anything, or need some help, give me a call. I know things ended badly with you and my sis, but I know you loved her and tried to make it work. Don't let that stop you from reaching out if you need to." He clapped Matt on the shoulder and walked away down the hallway.

Matt nodded a thanks, his throat tight and thick, and immediately scrolled to Kelly's number in his phone. He hit the call button, and Kelly answered almost immediately.

"Kelly, I need you to pick me up. I'm at the 21st precinct...."

 

TBC

　

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! I know I said I wouldn't update this quickly, but I had a couple more chapters all ready to go and so I'm just going to post them. I am definitely going in the Sevasey direction, but it's a pretty slow burn, but still I think a few people have noticed that it's headed that way. ;)
> 
> This chapter is The Car Ride Home From The Precinct and Kelly does a lot of talking.

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Matt stared at the ground underneath his feet as he sat outside the police station, waiting for Kelly. When Matt had spoken to him on the phone, he hadn't heard much on the other end except for loud exhales, grunts, sighs, and a couple of "okay"s to confirm he was actually going to come down and pick up Matt from the police station.

Honestly? Matt was still in shock, his brain a huge fog over what exactly had happened last night. His head was throbbing, and the brightness of the early morning sun made his eyes ache.

A loud honk snapped Matt back into reality, and made him realize him that loud noises were also affecting him worse than usual. He looked up, blurry-eyed, to see Kelly's car idling by the curb.

This was probaby going to be one of the most awkward and hungover fucking car rides of his entire life.

 

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Once Matt slammed the door, and buckled up, the two rode side by side in silence for what seemed like hours. In reality, they had really only gone about four blocks. Matt twisted his fingers together in his lap. "You're not going to say anything to me, Kelly? I'm kinda surprised."

Kelly nodded his head a few times and punched the steering wheel. "Okay, all right. That's it. That's it, Case." He jerked the car sharply to the right, then pulled all the way off into the parking lane and put the car in park. He turned the car off and turned his whole body to the right to face Matt.

"What do you want me to say, Matt? That I've known about the pills for weeks now and I didn't say anything because I didn't know how to, and I was scared? That I know you're still having nightmares and flashbacks? They're getting worse, aren't they? You know I'm scared to death I'm going to find you overdosed in your bed. Except it'll be the next morning and too late."

Kelly cleared his throat. He reached for a lighter and a pack of cigarettes in the center console. He lit up and blew smoke out the window. "You know, last night, I thought you were dead. I couldn't get a hold of you, I couldn't get you to text me back, and no one knew where the fuck you were." He tapped ash out the open window. "I told Hermann that if you showed up at Molly's, to let me know, but there was no sign of you until Antonio called me. He told me you were okay." He took a deep drag on his cigarette. "Matt, do you even understand the fucking gravity of the situation you had just gotten yourself in? I mean, you get that Voight pretty much wiped that crazy fucking felony charge all out, like it didn't happen. You get that, right?"

Matt nodded and could barely get his mouth moving before Kelly went back in with both barrels blasting. "No, I actually don't think that you do understand, Case. You dodged an enormous fucking bullet, not to make an incredibly crass and uncaring pun. You could have been looking at some serious fucking time for that. God knows why Voight wanted to help you out like that."

Matt was staring at his shaking hands, unable to say anything. Everything Kelly was saying was one hundred percent true.  He appreciated that Kelly wasn't sugarcoating anything. But then, that was just how Kelly was.

"I just want you to be okay, Matt. I don't know what okay is, but I do know that you're _not_ okay." Kelly stubbed out his cigarette in an empty Coke can. He offered the pack and lighter to Matt, who took what was offered wordlessly.

"I know I sound like a hypocrite, since I was the guy injecting high grade pain meds directly into my shoulder, but I gotta tell you, getting into this shit? In the long run, it doesn't help what's really wrong with you deep down. It's like putting a band aid on a ruptured artery." Kelly took in Matt's face. He looked exhausted, hollow shadows around his eyes from lack of sleep. He wouldn't look at Kelly.

Kelly took another deep breath. "Part of what was broken in me, other than my neck, and I wouldn't admit this at the time, was Andy. It was just, I don't know. I'd see him everywhere, and I don't just mean everything reminded me of him, although that was true too. I was starting to see _him._ Usually it would be someone who looked like Andy, but sometimes I would just see Andy, and it would fuck with my head so badly. I thought I was starting to crack up. I still don't know if it was the drugs, or the grief, or what it was. When I was using, it dulled the hurt a little bit. It pushed down everything I was feeling about Andy. Basically, it works, until it doesn't. You saw what happened with me."

Matt nodded. His eyes were full of tears, and several broke free and tumbled down his cheeks. He sniffed and swiped at his face, his fingers rasping against the stubble. "God, Kelly. I miss Andy so much. He'd be so disgusted and disappointed in me right now."

Kelly shook his head in disagreement. "No, I think Andy would just want you to be okay, and to get better. I know that's what he would want." Kelly reached over and grabbed Matt's hand, the hand that wasn't holding a cigarette. "I want you to get better. You deserve so much more than everything that's happened to you, and you're more than what's been taken from you." Kelly paused.

"I love you, you know?"

Matt looked up, his eyes were still wet. "I love you too, Kelly." Matt squeezed Kelly's hand hard, and cleared his throat. He tossed out the cigarette in the Coke can, then swiped at his eyes again. It looked like he wanted to say something else, but decided against it at the last minute.

Kelly cranked the ignition again. "I think you need to just go home and try to get some rest. You had a long night. No reason to keep beating yourself up right now." He rolled down the windows a little and drove off. Matt felt the wind blowing through his hair and thought that maybe things could be okay, eventually.

 

 

TBC

　

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for the most recent episode, The White Whale. I think this ties in pretty well with the story, and I wanted to post this before my next update. 
> 
> Standard disclaimer, I don't own Chicago Fire, and I'm not making any money off of this.

　

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All it cost Casey out of the whole ordeal was five hundred dollars to get his truck out of impound.

He had to borrow it from Kelly.

He also didn't tell Kelly about the half pill he took later that day, to take the edge off and ease the massive headache he was quickly developing. He was also pretty sure Kelly knew.

 

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The first shift back after that ordeal was quiet and uneventful, at least at first. Stella had brought donuts in from this new place down the street from her apartment, and everyone was running on a sugar and caffeine high. Kelly heard the klaxons go off and the Truck and Ambulance was dispatched to a injured person in the park call, and he didn't really think anything of it. In fact, Kelly's mind was so far away, worrying about Matt and just how far down the pit he was that he forgot all about the call. That is, until later when he heard, secondhand, the radio chatter about what had happened to Matt.

The details were a little fuzzy, but it was clear he had been injured somehow. Kelly waited in the engine bay, hoping to God that the Squad didn't get dispatched before the Truck, and Matt returned to the station.

 

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Kelly jumped up from the squad table when Truck 81 and Ambulance 61 rolled back into the engine bay. He stood with his hands shoved into his pockets as Matt hopped out of the Truck, looking a little slower and unsteadier than he had been earlier that morning.

"Casey. What the hell happened out there?" Kelly moved towards Matt as he stripped off his turnout coat. He saw the bandage on Matt's neck, and his heart jolted for a second.

Matt clenched his eyes shut and rubbed his temples like he had the beginnings of a headache. He groaned. "Stupid kids in the park playing with roman candles. Some kid practically blew his whole hand off. To top it off, after seeing that happen to their friend, the kids are still in the field shooting off rockets at each other." He stopped and took a deep breath. Kelly saw sweat beading on Matt's forehead. "This stupid fucking kid just shot a roman candle off in our direction and," Matt stopped and looked up at Kelly, his eyes wide and scared. "It hit me in the neck."

Kelly watched as Matt's face started to crumple, then smooth out again. "I don't know, Kelly. I'm not feeling so great, I think I'm just going to go to my room and lay down for a minute." He turned away quickly from Kelly.

"I'll come with you, bud."

To Kelly's surprise, Matt didn't protest as Kelly followed him through the firehouse to the officers' quarters. The blinds were already drawn in Matt's room. Kelly shut the door quietly behind them and pulled the chair from Matt's desk over to the bed where Matt had collapsed on the edge, shrinking under the weight of everything. Kelly sat as close as he could to Matt while still sitting in the chair, and waited a beat. His head was in his hands, and Kelly could hear him taking labored breaths and sniffing.

"Talk to me. What's going on inside your head, bud."

Matt sobbed out a ragged breath. "It's going to come for me again, Kelly."

Kelly's insides froze, but he tried to put on a facade of calm. "What do you mean?" He knew damn well what Matt meant.

"You know like in Final Destination? Those kids have a near miss but it turns out they were supposed to die, so death starts chasing them around? That's what's happening to me."

"Case, death is not following you around like that. I promise you."

"I mean it was supposed to be my time and somehow I dodged it." Matt choked out. "I'm still here, and can't help thinking still that I'm not supposed to be." He reached for his neck bandage gingerly. "That roman candle could have hit my eyes, another few inches the other way it could have done a lot more damage." He pulled off the tape and lifted the bandage to show Kelly. The bandage had become soaked with blood even though the wound had stopped actively bleeding. Kelly leaned in to get a closer look. His fingers ghosted the skin several inches around the wound, and he tipped Matt's head closer to him gingerly with his other hand. The wound was on Matt's neck, an angry burn that radiated heat all around it. His fingers rasped against Matt's skin. He had obviously shaved that morning, but the blade had to have been dull. Up close, he could see short stubble and razor burn. Kelly noticed a few spots where Matt had nicked himself.

Kelly looked at Matt's hands. They were shaking just as much as they had been the past few days. His hands had probably been shaking so badly, he couldn't even hold them still long enough to shave. Maybe it was a good thing he had a dull razor, Kelly thought.

Matt's throat bobbed. "When it hit me, I don't know what I thought happened. I think maybe I had a flashback and thought it was a gunshot or something. I mean, I don't know if it was a blackout, or a flashback, or what. But I checked out for a couple of seconds, I know that."

He stopped for a second, trying to take deep breaths. Matt licked his dry lips and shut his eyes tightly. "I tried to duck, Kelly, but it got me. I'm probably overreacting. It's not that big of a deal, really, it should heal up in no time. It's just," Matt shivered and dug at his eyes with his fists. The action was so childlike and innocent looking that Kelly's heart ached.

"I'm thinking about putting in for some personal leave. Just to clear my head and try to get myself back to normal. I don't know if I can keep working while trying to deal with this. I can't be losing it while on shift, not when there are other people counting on me to keep them safe. I have lives in my hands, Kelly. I have to get my head screwed on straight."

Matt looked up at Kelly, his eyes deep blue teary pools. Kelly didn't know what to say.

"You know better than anyone what you need, Matt. I can't tell you what to do. I agree with you that you need to take some time off to deal with this. Otherwise it's going to fester. But you have to make that choice, no one can choose for you."

"I already have the paperwork, I just have to fill them out and submit them to Boden. I just don't know if I want to go through with it." Matt sighed and rested his hands on his knees. "I think I should. I need to. Knowing I need to do something and actually doing it are two enormously different things."

Kelly nodded in agreement. "You know I'm right there with you, whatever you want to do with this."

"Thanks, Kelly. I know you got my back."

Kelly reached beside him where he had swiped a first aid kit from the engine bay on his way through to the officer's quarters. He gingerly replaced a bandage and taped it to Matt's neck, loose enough to breathe, but tightly enough to keep everything together.

"There you go, bud. Make sure you keep that dry. Change it out later, okay?" Kelly clasped the first aid kit shut.

"Maybe you should be a paramedic, Kelly. You missed your true calling." A small smile curved Matt's lips.

Kelly laughed, then threaded his fingers through one of Matt's hands. "You know I'm here, whatever you need, right? I feel like I shouldn't have to say it, but then again," Kelly hesitated. "You're going to get through this. You're going to get through this shift, too. I'm right here with you, and I know you can do it."

Matt stared at Kelly. He looked pale, and so tired that Kelly felt the ache of Matt's tiredness in his own bones. "Kelly, I..."

They were interrupted by the klaxons dispatching squad to a motor vehicle accident, and Kelly stood up, almost as if someone had snuck up on them. "You take it as easy as you can, okay? I'll check up on you as soon as I can." He opened the door and hustled through the room until he disappeared through the other doorway.

Matt sat staring at his still shaking hands. This would have to stop eventually. He would make it stop.

 

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Matt made it the whole shift without pills. It would be these next forty-eight hours that would be a challenge.

　

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it has been a while since my last update, and I'm sorry guys. This chapter is a little longer and hopefully I'll have some extra updates this week. I finally have a breather again and can decompress a little bit in my personal life, and do some things I like doing. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading this update :) 
> 
> As always, standard disclaimer applies of I do not own or make money off of CF or its characters, etc.

 

* * *

 

 

Papers lay in disarray on top of Matt's desk, and a paperclipped stack topped the pile: the request forms for a personal leave of absence, everything completed except for his and Boden's signatures. The sooner he could get this over and done with, the better.

At least, that was what he was hoping.

 

\--------------------------------

 

"Come on in, Casey." Boden motioned to Matt through the partially open door.

"Thanks, Chief, I appreciate you talking to me early this shift." Matt closed the door behind him and sat down in one of the chairs in front of Boden's desk.

"My door's always open, you know that." Boden glanced down at the stack of papers in Matt's hands. He took off his glasses. "What's on your mind, Captain?"

"Well, uh, Chief, I don't know where to start, really." Matt twisted his fingers together and held up the small stack of papers. "I'll just get it all out there. I filled out the paperwork for a personal leave of absence. Everything's all there, it just needs your approval and signature." Matt inhaled sharply like he was coming up for air.

Boden said nothing for what seemed like an eternity, his face blank. Finally, he slowly nodded his head. "I know the key word in personal leave is personal, but does this have anything to do with what we talked about at my house a few months ago?"

Matt pressed his lips together and looked at the floor anxiously. "Chief, I...." He swallowed. "More or less. It's just," He inhaled sharply. "I'm going through a really rough patch, and I need to take some personal time, if its possible for me to do so."

Boden met Matt's eyes and held them for several seconds before nodding. "Of course, Casey. Anything you need that's in my power to do for you, I will." He signed the top paper and scanned the other papers for other blank spaces needing his signatures. He signed the last paper and stacked them neatly before paperclipping the stack and setting them down on his desk. "Why don't you just take the shift off today, I'll get a relief in for the Truck, and in the meantime Hermann will be in charge."

"Thanks, Chief. I really appreciate this."

"Of course, Casey. I signed off on a two week leave, but if you want to return before that time, or if you need more time, just let me know. Check in with me at least once a week if you are able." Boden clasped his hands together. "You can always pick up the phone and call me if you ever need to talk, you know that."

"I know, Chief. You're probably one of the few people I can really trust,  I really appreciate that. I promise I'll keep you posted." Matt stood up to leave, then turned back towards Boden, who had gotten up to follow him to the door. He extended his arm to shake his Chief's hand. He was met with a handshake, and also an unexpected and quick hug that felt almost protective.

"Casey, if you would need or want to come back to the firehouse for any reason while you're on leave, you know you're always welcome to do that. This is your home and your family, whether or not you're on leave. Is that clear?" Boden almost sounded like he was giving an order, except that the way his lips curved up on one side gave him away.

"Yeah, Chief, I know. I think I gotta go before someone comes in here and I have to explain myself. Thanks, for everything."

Matt turned quickly and closed the door quietly behind him. Boden saw him drag his sleeve across his face as he walked past the window outside his office. He sighed before heading back to his desk.

 

\-----------------------------------

 

 

Matt closed the door to his office and sat at the desk before deciding he didn't want the blinds open. He got up from the desk and shoved the chair across the floor into the wall, knocking it on its side with a crash. He fixed the blinds on all sides so his room was private.

Finally. He could have some peace in this firehouse for five minutes.

It didn't matter that he was officially off duty, return to work date unspecified. It was probably for the best, really. He had cleaned himself up in the past week, even though he had been taking half pills at night to get him to sleep and keep the shakes away.

He had taken the last half pill he had in the stash in his closet two days ago. Kelly had never gone after the stashed pills, and didn't try to make Matt give them to him. Some part of Matt resented Kelly for that. Deep down, he thought that Kelly should have cared enough to force him to completely go off of the pills cold turkey. Another part of Matt knew that Kelly would never breach his trust like that and go through his personal things without his permission.

He remembered seeing an empty blister pack of narcotic painkillers in the trash one time when watching a Cubs game at Kelly and Shay's loft. Even then, he didn't say anything (although maybe he should have), and he would never have gone through Kelly's things without asking. He knew Kelly would do the same for him.

None of that really mattered now.

Matt was alone in his quarters, standing in the middle of the tiny room, trying to figure out how the hell to make an exit without every single person in the house giving him the third degree about exactly why he was taking leave. It didn't matter if Boden didn't tell anyone about it. Someone would have seen him going into the Chief's office with the papers, and guaranteed, no less than fifteen minutes later, everyone from all three shifts in Firehouse 51, on shift or not, would know that Captain Matt Casey was taking a personal leave.

He looked at his desk. Usually neat and organized, it had become messy and unkempt in the last month or so. He would worry about that when he got back, whenever that was. A sudden wave of sadness and unexpected anger washed over him. Would anyone even give a damn about him, or miss him at the firehouse?

Common sense told him yes, but his inner dialogue told him otherwise.

_Everyone will be so glad to get rid of you and all your bullshit you carry around with you all the time. If anyone cared about you like they said they did, then why did they all leave you, every single one of them?_

Matt sucked in a shuddering breath and shoved all the papers and folders off the desk onto the floor. As everything slid across and off, something came unstuck from behind an organizer on top of his desk.

It was a picture.

It had fallen face against the wall on the other side of the desk from where it had stayed hidden for what had to have been years. As soon as Matt saw the frame he knew exactly who was inside the frame on the other side.

He reached out and picked it up, hands shaking as he turned it over.

It was like he had pressed a button, or flipped a switch. He collapsed onto the floor; tears immediately poured down his cheeks as he gasped for air.

"Hallie." _God. Hallie._ "I know you'd be so disappointed in me right now. I still miss you, but I gotta say, I'm glad you're not here to see this." He stared at the photo, then before he could stop himself, he hurled the frame across the room at the wall. Glass shattered, and the photograph fluttered to the floor.

Matt buried his head in his hands. His head hurt _so_ much. He didn't know if it was from the stress, or if it was finally the withdrawal symptoms kicking into gear. He read so much about it, he knew what to expect.

He also knew whatever he was expecting, it would most likely be so much more intense than what he thought it would be. Matt's entire life had taught him to prepare for the worst.

A gentle touch on his shoulder brought him out of his daze. That was odd, he didn't hear anyone knock or open the door. He looked up, eyes still blurry and burning.

"Matt. What's wrong, baby?"

Matt blinked, then blinked again. He _had_ to have fallen asleep in his quarters.

"Hallie?"

 "You didn't forget what I looked like, did you? It hasn't been that long...." Hallie smiled. It was a long-buried memory that suddenly erupted to the surface, and it took Matt's breath away. He thought he had moved on, finished his grieving, and found some sort of happiness somewhere else. There was something else under the surface that erupted too, and that was the crushing guilt. Guilt that he couldn't save her. Guilt that there was no way he could have saved her, even if he had gotten to her sooner.

Guilt that he had survived, and had kept surviving. That guilt from losing Hallie was part of what he carried around every day like chains around his ankles.

Matt looked up at Hallie, who was kneeling in front of him, less than two feet away. It was like he had forgotten how to speak, and instead of whatever it was he had wanted to say, a choked sob came out. He shut his eyes and turned his head away.

"You know, I've been watching you, Matt. Don't get freaked out. It's not like that." Hallie stroked her fingers through his hair, and Matt melted. "I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy, Matt. The world is unfair, cruel even. You know how I know you deserve to have good things and be happy? You never, and I mean never, let all the horrible things that happen to you turn you into a bitter person. You might drag yourself down into a hole you can't get out of on your own, but you've never let it make you cruel." She tipped his head up so his eyes met hers. "I want you to move on, and to get better. It doesn't mean you go back to the way things were before, or to the person you were before. I guess you don't really know what it means or what it looks like, getting better, until you see it for yourself. Then you just get it."

"I think I've fucked up things so badly that I can't fix them." Matt cleared his throat and sighed, his voice sounding a little stronger. "I got started on some pills, and got into some pretty bad trouble from that. I'm trying to get off of them, and it's been a few days, but I think I'm starting to withdraw. Then there's other stuff too, everything came together in the perfect storm and now I can't get out of it."

Hallie lowered her hand to cup Matt's face. "You know you have someone who loves you, and is willing to fight for you on this. I think you know who that is, Matt."

Matt blinked again, and cleared his throat. "Hallie, I..." He looked around.

Hallie was gone, and he was alone. Again.

 

 

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Matt dug at his eyes. Had he fallen asleep? He had to have fallen asleep on the floor. There was broken glass and the photo of Hallie in the corner. He was either asleep and having an _extremely_ vivid dream, or he was hallucinating. Either one was not really a very good thing.

A quiet knock on the door brought Matt out of it again. "You in there, Casey?"

It was Kelly. Not exactly who he had wanted to see right now, but maybe it was just what he needed. "I'm here, Kel."

Kelly opened the door slightly and stuck his head in. His eyes widened when he saw Matt on the floor. He opened the door the rest of the way and shut it quickly behind him. "What are you doing on the floor? Are you okay? Did you..." Matt watched Kelly's eyes track over to the corner where there was a pile of glass, splintered frame, and photo of Hallie lying on top. Kelly sat down on the floor next to Matt and crossed his legs. "Who were you talking to in here, bud?"

"I wasn't talking to anyone, I fell asleep for a second. At least I think I did." Matt swallowed hard. "I thought Hallie was in the room with me. I could feel her touch me. It felt so real, Kelly." Kelly narrowed his eyes. "Do you think you were dreaming, or do you think it was a, you know, a..."

"You think I'm hallucinating? I wouldn't be surprised, Kelly, if I was." Matt ran a hand over his face. "I know it's for the best that Boden approved my leave request effective immediately, and relieved me of duties for today's shift. You know he barely even asked me any questions about why I needed the break?"

Kelly sucked in a breath. "That's good, though. You'll have all the time in the world to do whatever you need to do to get back on track. I'll support you one hundred percent, no matter what you want to do."

Matt gave a wan smile. "Thanks, Kelly. You're always there for me, and I don't deserve it. Thank you for that." Kelly tried to ignore how Matt's bottom lip quivered for a second before his teeth sank down into it.

"I'm going to stop you there, bud. I'm not there for you because you do or don't deserve it. I know you don't listen to me, but I told you I love you, goddammit. I'm there because I want to be, and honestly, you do deserve it. I know its hard to hear when you don't believe it yourself, but you deserve better. That's why you're taking leave." Kelly brought his knees up to his chest. Hunched in and curled up on himself, he almost looked small sitting there next to Matt.

Matt snorted. "You know, that's what...." He almost told Kelly that was what Hallie told him too, but he stopped himself. "Nevermind. You're right. I know you're right."

"Of course I'm right." Kelly's lips spread in a grin. It was infectious, and a small smile broke out across Matt's face too. "Can I make a suggestion to you? Hear me out before you say no." Kelly took a deep breath. "I know I told you I was selling my dad's cabin, but I changed my mind. I decided to keep it, and I was going to head up there tomorrow morning after shift and stay for a few days. I even got my next shift covered, to make it a mini-vacation." Kelly stopped and squinted, trying to get a read on Matt's face. "I think you should come with me. I don't think you've ever been to Benny's cabin. It's the best, it's on the lake, there's a fireplace, and it's away from the rest of the cabins in the area so it's really quiet. There's even a pier that's basically ours. Anyway, I think it might be just what you need right now. Of course I want you to say yes, but if you're not sure, you can think about it and let me know before..."

"Are you picking me up, or am I meeting you up there?" Matt gave Kelly a sidelong glance accompanied with a crooked smile.

"I guess that's a yes, then?" Kelly tried to dial down his excitement. He had planned on having to talk Matt into going to the cabin, he never thought he would agree so easily. "I'll drive us. It might be hard for you to find if you've never been there before."

"The quiet and the fresh air is just what I need right now." Matt started fidgeting with his hands. Kelly had noticed he had been doing that more and more lately. "I think the next couple of weeks might be the rough patch everyone keeps talking about and that I keep reading about. You know, getting completely off the pills and withdrawing. It might be better if it happens while I'm away from everything."

Kelly didn't tell Matt that was exactly what he was thinking. "You won't regret it, getting away from it all. You need a rest, and this is the perfect place to go for it. Why don't you take it easy for the rest of the day after you get out of here, and just pack up some stuff whenever you feel like it later?"

"You're right, Kel. I think I just need to clean up that glass first, over there. I, uh, got a little mad when I found the picture and it just ended up on the other side of the room." A half smile perked up one side of Matt's lips.

"That's been known to happen." Kelly grinned back. "I can clean it up for you, later, if you just want to go get your stuff and make an escape. I can cover for you without going into specifics."

"You'd do that? I just want to leave without having to explain to every single person in the house that I'm taking personal leave and then having to listen to them ask me what's wrong." Matt stood up and sat on the edge of the bed, phone and set of keys within reach.

"Yeah, no problem. I'll take care of everything here. Just get out of here and take it easy."

"Thanks, Kelly. I don't think you know how much this means, you doing this for me." Matt crossed the room and opened the blinds. The room was empty, the coast was clear. He could make a run for the locker room, and then escape out the back. "Well, I guess I'll see you in the morning, then?"

Kelly nodded and grinned. "As soon as shift's over. Hey, uh, you won't be mad if I call you later on today just to check in on you, would you?"

Matt shook his head. "No, why would I be?"

"Just wanted to make sure. I didn't want you to think I was smothering you or anything." Kelly motioned towards the door. "Hurry up, before Otis or someone else comes in looking for you."

"You're right. See you later, Kelly. Thanks." Matt waved as he closed the door behind him.

Kelly let out a gasping breath. He was ecstatic that Matt was going to the cabin with him, but he would be lying if he said he wasn't worried as hell about the hallucinating. He knew it probably wasn't that Matt fell asleep. Hallucinations were one of the withdrawal symptoms he thought might be coming, and now he knew for sure that was something else he and Matt were going to have to do battle with.

He just had to get through this shift first.

　

 

TBC

　

　

　

　

　

　

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the longest I've posted thus far....and also sets up the second(ish) part of the story. I added some quotes to the beginning of the chapter, the first one is from The Deer Hunter, and also where I got the title for the story. The Deer Hunter is a great movie that is about PTSD, among other things. 
> 
> Possibly another update later this week! If all goes well. Thank you so much for reading and all the amazing comments and kudos :D
> 
> As always, I do not own CF or it's characters, nor do I make any money off of them.

"You have to think about one shot. One shot is what it's all about. The deer has to be taken with one shot." - _The Deer Hunter_

"Maybe there aren't any such things as good friends or bad friends-maybe there are just friends, people who stand by you when you're hurt and who help you feel not so lonely. Maybe they're always worth being scared for, and hoping for, and living for. Maybe worth dying for too, if that's what has to be. No good friends. No bad friends. Only people you want, need to be with; people who build their houses in your heart." Stephen King, _It_

 

 

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"Are you sure you don't mind that we're staying at Benny's cabin? I know you had a really hard time coming up here to go through his stuff after he passed." Matt looked out of the corner of his eye to Kelly behind the wheel.

Kelly shrugged. "Nah, I've been up here a few times since Pops died. I cleared out some junk he'd been storing. I got both bedrooms cleared out. Honestly, I can't think of a better time to go to Benny's cabin, or a better reason to unlock it and stay in it again." He took a turn into a heavy wooded area. "This is it. The cabin's a ways up. Once you see the lake, you'll know we're close."

"I was here once, you don't remember? With Andy? God, it's been a long time." Matt stared out the window. It was at that seasonal transition time, when kids weren't quite out of school for the summer, and families hadn't really started to come to the lake in droves. It was quiet, peaceful, and far enough away from the stressors of their job. Except for what they brought with them, of course.

Kelly took another sharp turn, then pulled off the dirt road onto some grass. "Here we are."

"It looks different than I remember it." Matt got out and slammed the car door. He started to unload the groceries and his duffel bag from the backseat. His eyes and head throbbed with the bright sunlight. Matt scowled. His sunglasses were buried inside his duffel bag, and he didn't feel like digging around for them now. He'd be inside soon, and he wouldn't have to worry about it.

"You won't say that when you get inside. Pops kept everything the same all these years. For the most part, anyway." Kelly led the way to the porch, then fumbled with his keys until he found the right one. The door unlocked with a click and cold air met them both in the face with a gust as he opened the door and stepped inside. He flipped on the lights.

Kelly was right, of course. The memories of being here with Kelly and Andy, all fresh out of the Academy, nearly slapped him in the face as soon as he saw the old couches and overstuffed chairs in the rustic space. They were memories he didn't even know he still had, and they took his breath away for a moment before he recovered and came back to the present.

Everything was the same in the cabin, that was for sure. Even the appliances in the kitchen were the same, looking more dated than ever. The only thing different that he could see was the huge flat screen tv in the den area. Matt had a feeling that was something that Kelly had added at some point.

Except everything wasn't the same. Everything had gone to hell. Somewhere along the way, he had just given up on himself, and stopped caring about living or dying. Flashes of memories suddenly flooded his brain. That day, in that house, with that man with a gun. Andy disappearing in a wall of flame in front of him. Carrying Hallie's broken and burned body out of the clinic. Watching Heather and the boys drive off for Florida.

Matt gasped for air and suddenly became aware of the fact that he had broken out in a full, head to toe sweat. Kelly was in the other room, putting the groceries away, and Matt could hear him talking. His voice sounded muffled, and he didn't really know what he was saying.

"-some steaks and some corn we can grill out later, if you want..." Kelly turned the corner and his eyes widened. "Hey, bud, are you okay? Why don't you sit down over here for a minute. You look really pale all of a sudden." Pale was an understatement. Matt looked like a ghost, and sweat beaded on his forehead and neck.

"Here. Drink this." Kelly handed Matt a bottle of Gatorade, and he untwisted the cap and drank nearly half the bottle in one gulp. "You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I think so. I don't know. Seeing this place again, it made me think of old times. I guess I started thinking and got carried away for a minute." His head throbbed. Matt thought maybe this was par for the course for getting off the pills.

"You're withdrawing," Kelly said matter-of-factly.

"I stopped taking the pills a few days ago, maybe even longer."

"That means they've just started to completely leave your system. I've been there, I know what withdrawal looks like." Kelly opened up his own Gatorade. "It's okay. It means you're getting better. It hurts like hell though."

"I know. I read about it, like a withdrawal timeline type thing. It said withdrawal can feel like the flu. It also said you can hallucinate while withdrawing." Matt got quiet. He thought he might already be there.

"Yeah, that can happen."

"Did you, you know, see shit that wasn't there when you were withdrawing?"

Kelly smirked. "It's kinda hard to know, isn't it? Unless someone else is there to tell you shit's not real?  There was this one time. I was never sure, because like I said, no one was there to tell me it wasn't real. It may have been a dream, who knows. But yeah, that can happen when you're withdrawing."

Matt finished off the Gatorade. "Is it too early to lie down, Kelly? I think I just need to take it easy for a minute. My head hurts and I think it's going to get bad." Did he even pack any ibuprofen? Should he take ibuprofen right now? Would it tear his stomach up?

"Do you want some tylenol? I think I have some in my duffel bag. It might help. Drink it down with this bottle of water." Kelly fished out a bottle of tylenol and shook out two pills. "Take whichever room you want. I got blankets, pillows, all of that kind of stuff in there. Take it easy for a while. I'll be right out here if you need anything."

Matt offered a thin smile. "Thanks, Kel. I didn't want to come up here and just sleep the whole time. I feel bad heading off to bed right off the bat."

Kelly scoffed. "That's shit, and you know it. You came up here to get away from everything, and to help you get better. Whatever it takes, then that's what you need to do. Now go lay down, and that's an order."

"I think I outrank you, and we're not even on the same...."

"Shut up." They were both laughing now, and Kelly grabbed Matt's shoulders to steer him towards the bedroom. He thought he felt thinner, slighter than normal, and he wondered if he had just not picked up on the fact that Matt had lost weight.

He would make sure Matt ate, at least while he was at the cabin. Even if he ended up being sick, he'd figure out something. He'd mix up protein smoothies if that was the only thing Matt could get down.

Maybe Kelly was getting a little ahead of himself. Preparing for the worst never hurt, though. He watched Matt pull down the covers and crawl under the blankets through the half-open door.

Kelly decided he would go outside to the dock to sit, alone.

 _You know, Pops, I could really use some of your advice right now. You know, the kind you used to give that you'd never follow yourself? Yeah, some of that advice._ A sudden gust of wind whipped through the trees and slapped Kelly in the face with how sharp it blew. He smiled and nodded.

_Miss you too, Pops._

 

 

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It was after four in the afternoon when Matt finally got out of bed. Kelly was on the couch in the den when he crawled out of the bedroom. "What time is it, Kel?" His voice was gravelly and deep.

"Almost four-thirty. You needed the rest. You feel any better?"

Matt dug at his temples and his eyes. "My headache's better. Still there, but not as bad. The light sensitivity isn't so bad anymore."

"You hungry at all? I brought pretty much everything, whatever you feel like eating works for me."

"I'm not so hungry, Kelly. You should eat, though, if you want something. Fix whatever you want." Matt sat on the overstuffed chair next to Kelly. "I'll try to eat whatever you do, how's that?"

"That's a yes from me, Case. Drink some more water, though, first." Kelly tossed Matt another icy cold bottle of water. He caught it and took a long drink, his throat bobbing with each swallow. "That burn on your neck looks like it's healing pretty good."

Matt tipped his neck around in Kelly's direction. "Yeah. It's scabbed over, just itchy. I took the bandage off yesterday." He took another drink of water and set the bottle down on the coffee table next to a stack of movies. He started to sort through them when Kelly broke in.

"Pops never bothered to get cable or satellite or anything up here. This was kind of a sudden trip. I didn't have time to look into what I could have set up here, if anything, so it's just the tv and the blu-ray player, and the vcr from years ago. No Sportscenter, no HBO, no cable news."

Matt laughed. "No cable news is probably a good thing." He looked through the stack of movies. The complete James Bond, the original Star Wars trilogy, the Jurassic Park trilogy. "This is pretty much the desert island collection, right here."

Kelly grinned. "If it rains or something, and you wanna watch something, that's why I brought all those." He pointed to a box next to the tv stand. "Benny had some stuff here too. I didn't really look, though. God knows what kind of movies my dad liked to watch."

Matt pulled a wooden crate out and sat on the floor as he sifted through the movies, while Kelly sat on the couch behind him. He pulled out a stack of dvds. _Cool Hand Luke. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. The Hustler. Slap Shot._ "Apparently Benny was a big fan of Paul Newman." He held up _Slap Shot._ "That's a good one. Great hockey movie." Matt pulled out another stack. He laughed. "He's got _Backdraft."_

"No way. Pops hated that movie. I remember him going off on a Jack Daniels fueled rant about how much that movie was bullshit." Kelly looked over Matt's shoulder at the pile of movies.

"Well, he had it right here. Right next to," Matt squinted. " _Coyote Ugly_ and _Showgirls._ "

Kelly groaned. "Mother of god. Of course Pops had a copy of _Showgirls._ Jesus. Let me guess, it's the unrated, extended edition, right?"

"Guilty." Matt scanned the rest of the movies. Benny had _The Godfather_ , _Forrest Gump,_ and _The Deer Hunter._ "Hmmm. The Deer Hunter. Good movie. Pretty heavy fucking stuff, though."

Kelly nodded in agreement. "Gotta be one of De Niro's best, though. In the top five, for sure." He was silent for a moment. "We should probably stick to some lighter stuff if we're going to watch a movie."

Matt nodded. "Probably a good idea." He sighed and stretched his legs out across the wood floor. "Let's get some air here, later. If you want to," He added quickly.

"Yeah, bud. Whatever you want. We'll get something to eat, here, and then we can head down to the dock later. We can stay out until the mosquitos suck us dry." Kelly grinned.

 

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

The sun had gone down just enough to cast a shadow over the trees and the lake, but still bathed the scenery in an orange-red glow. It was beautiful, completely unlike anything you could see inside of Chicago.

Matt and Kelly had dragged folding chairs, a lantern, and a cooler down to the dock where they'd been for the past hour or so.

"You know, I love Chicago, and I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather live and work. But I get why people want to get away from the city and live someplace quiet. I'd be okay with a quieter life, you know?" Matt sighed and took a sip from his beer. "Sometimes, I think that even if I hadn't become a firefighter, my life still wouldn't have been quiet."

Kelly crunched his empty beer can and tossed it in the cooler. He reached for another. He almost grabbed a water bottle instead. He had stocked the cooler with half beer, half water bottles. Just to keep hydration at good levels, for both of them. He cracked open his beer. "That's almost word for word what I heard Benny say one time. It was funny hearing it coming out of his mouth because Benny just burned everything down around him, you know? He definitely didn't do anything to help make his life quieter." Kelly exhaled sharply. "Don't worry. You're nothing like Benny." He laughed. "Still, as much of an asshole as he could be, I miss the hell out of him." 

Kelly paused to look at Matt's face. He was listening intently. The next words came out of his mouth before he could stop them. "The last conversation I had with him, I pretty much told him I hated him and to kick rocks. Not those exact words, but it was pretty close. I like to think he knew I didn't mean it, not really, but I don't know." Kelly's voice trailed off.

"He knew. I believe that. You just have to believe it too." Matt raised his beer up in the air towards Kelly. "To Benny."

Kelly raised up his beer and clinked the can against Matt's. "To Benny, and the quiet life." He hesitated. "And to not leaving things unsaid."

They drank.

 

 

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It was completely dark out now, and the strange mixture of quiet and nighttime nature sounds was so relaxing and beautiful that it almost made Kelly forget about the hows and the whys of the last few months, and what he was facing in the here and now.

"You asleep over there? You're pretty quiet." Kelly's voice was soft, but still somehow echoed in the wide open space.

Matt stirred. "I'm awake. Just thinking."

"That'll get you into trouble every time, bud."

"God, you're right."

Kelly reached into his pocket. "If you're getting tired, we can head back and call it a night, or," He held up two cigars. "We could smoke these Cubans." Matt could hear the twinkle in Kelly's eyes and his smile.

Kelly reached down and switched on the lantern he had brought from the cabin, and the dock was suddenly lit up with a flooding light. They both squinted. Matt held up his hand to his eyes. "Whoa. That was a lot brighter than I expected."

"You'll get used to it in a minute. Here, let me just," Kelly snipped the tips off the cigars, and handed one with a Zippo to Matt. "There you go, bud."

"Thank you. Mmmm...." Matt stuck the cigar between his teeth and flipped the lighter. The flame bathed his face in an orange glow as he puffed, the end of the cigar eventually  glowing cherry red. A blue cloud of smoke floated away from his face.

"Damn. You should be saving these for a special occasion. This is the best cigar I've had in ages, if not my entire life." He handed Kelly the lighter.

Kelly took the lighter and lit up his own cigar. "This is a special occasion."

Matt laughed. "I guess you're right."

Kelly put his lighter back in his pocket. "So, what were you thinking about, before?"

"Everything. Nothing." Matt hesitated. "What do you want to hear?"

"We got all night, bud."

Matt cleared his throat. "You know those nightmares? I still have them, the one where that guy pins me to the ground and shoves a gun in my face. It's been everyone I can think of on the other end of that gun. I had a dream one time where it was you. One time it was Chaplain Kyle." 

  
Kelly laughed. "Chaplain Kyle? I bet he's never even held a gun in his entire life."

Matt tilted his head. "You're probably right. One other time I dreamed it was Andy." He stopped suddenly, his voice cracking on Andy's name. "I thought, at the beginning, when I started with the pills, that I could stop the constant replay in my head and in my dreams. It didn't really do what I thought it would do. It just..." Matt trailed off. "I think it just made me numb, and it didn't do anything to help with the deeper issues. I think I've been burying things so deep for so long that this has just started to make them come up to the surface. It just feels like poison coming out, and it's not stopping."

Kelly was quiet. In his own way, he knew exactly what Matt was talking about.

"I just didn't give a fuck anymore, Kelly. I don't even know if I do right now. I mean, I want to get better, but, " He took a drink from his water bottle. "I think I stopped caring about a lot of things a long time ago. I still think that somehow, my number should have been up a long time ago, and definitely when that gun was shoved in my face and jammed. And then there's all the stupid stuff I've done in the last few months, mixing pills and alcohol, driving around when I shouldn't have been. I could have accidentally overdosed so many times. All kinds of things could have happened because I'm stupid."

"You're not stupid. You're just hurting. I mean, you're not a bad person for not wanting to hurt anymore." Kelly stood up and kicked off his sandals. He sat on the edge of the dock and stuck his feet in the water. "This water feels really good. Stick your feet in."

Matt followed after Kelly, and sat next to him on the dock. There was a foot of space between them. He stuck his feet in the water. Kelly was right. It was cool and refreshing. He could feel something calming and almost magical travel through his body head to toe.

"I just wish I could let go of some of the guilt. It just gets worse and worse, though. It feels crushing sometimes. I wish I could move on." Matt gripped the edge of the dock, the rough wood dragging on the palms of his hands.

"Sometimes moving on just means finding a better way to carry something. Usually that means putting some of it down, but sometimes it means finding someone else to share the load with you. You haven't had a lot of control over most of the things that have happened to you in your life. You can have control over this, though." Kelly reached out and put his arm around Matt's shoulder. Matt turned towards Kelly. The corner of his mouth twisted into a smile.

"I know. Thanks, Kel. I know I told you before, but you're the only person I would trust with this." The lantern cast an otherworldly glow on Matt's face. It was impossible to tell how pale he had been looking in that kind of lighting. "You know, maybe we should just stay out here all night. Sleep here on the dock."

Kelly knocked on the wooden planks of the dock with his fist. "This dock would be hell on our backs. You'd wake up with splinters on your face."

Matt smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling. It made Kelly happy to see a real smile on Matt's face, even for a second. He found himself once again pulled apart inside somehow in a way that he couldn't quite piece back together. It was just...Matt. It always had been.

He sure as hell didn't know what he was doing here, or even if he was doing the right thing. His heart told him that he was doing the right thing. Matt was accepting of what he was offering. Maybe everything would iron itself out later.

Suddenly Kelly was aware of Matt saying his name.

"Kelly? Kel?"

"Huh? Yeah?"

"Why are you staring at me?"

Kelly blinked. He hadn't been staring at Matt, had he? He must have zoned out for a minute. He didn't realize he had been staring, if he was. He looked at Matt's face.

Matt's eyes were wide, his pupils were huge. He was sitting close enough that Kelly could see his eyelashes against his cheeks as he blinked. In the lantern glow, he could see the dark smudges under his eyes. His eyes were still blue as ever, inviting and kind, no matter what inner pain was going on behind them.

Kelly thought he was beautiful.

"Well, it's kinda hard to not stare at you, bud."

Before Kelly knew what was going on, Matt leaned over and pressed his lips against Kelly's.

It was short, lasted maybe five seconds total, even if it felt like it lasted forever. It took Kelly completely by surprise. His face moved by a slight degree, and their teeth knocked together. It wasn't even a real, _real_ kiss.

Except that Matt's lips were so soft and it was the polar opposite of unwelcome that Kelly couldn't bring himself to pull away first. When Matt pulled away, he looked stunned, and was still wide-eyed. His pupils were still blown. He stared at Kelly, who knew he had to have a similar expression on his face.

Kelly's jaw was slack. He licked his lips and rubbed them together.

Matt stammered. "I'm sorry, Kelly. I just wanted to know what that was like. I've....wanted to know what that was like for a long time."

Kelly shook his head. "Don't be sorry. I've wanted to know what that was like for a long time too."

A slow smile spread across Matt's face, his teeth flashing in the lantern light.

"So, there's that."

 

 

TBC

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is something a little lighter after the last chapter. Well, I guess lighter by comparison.
> 
> As always, I don't own or make money off of CF! 
> 
> Thanks for reading :)

 

* * *

 

 

The coffee cup shook all the way up to Matt's lips. As he angrily slammed it down on the table, hot liquid sloshed over the side of the cup and onto his fingers.

"Shit. Goddammit." He dried off his hand on his shirt. Kelly knew he wasn't angry about spilling the coffee. He was still in the middle of the shakes, and he couldn't do anything about it except keep going through it. Matt's hands were shaking as badly as Kelly's ever had when he was going through it. Kelly watched with one eye as he made breakfast, as Matt clasped one hand inside of the other in an attempt to steady them both.

"Here. Eat this, you'll feel better." Kelly put a plate of eggs and sausage in front of Matt. An English muffin popped out of the toaster, and he put it on top of the plate. He poured half of the contents of the blender into a glass for Matt too. "And drink this smoothie."

"You know I'm not hungry, Kelly." Matt dug at his eyes. "I barely slept last night. I kept waking up every couple hours." He looked pale, and the dark circles and puffiness under his eyes were even more prominent. Kelly immediately felt guilty for staying out on the dock so late with Matt last night.

"We should have called it quits earlier last night. I should have thought about that. I'm sorry."

Matt's head whipped up towards Kelly's. "I'm not sorry." He tentatively took a bite of his eggs. "Are we not going to talk about it, then?"

"Talk about what?"

Matt hesitated. "Last night."

Kelly sipped his coffee and poured hot sauce over his eggs. He knew damn well what Matt was talking about. "What do you mean? I thought we did talk about it."

"I'm still not sorry." Matt looked away.

"Good. Me either." There was a ghost of a smile on Kelly's face. He was lost in thought for a minute. He was filled with so much confusion about this. He could boil all his confusion down to one thing: he was terrified that in his excitement that _this_ was happening, finally, whatever _this_ was, he was somehow taking advantage of Matt during this rough patch he was going through. Of course he was here for Matt in his hour of need, not to get his rocks off.

On one hand, Matt had kissed _him._ It was one kiss. It hadn't gone any further than that. It's not like they had fucked...

Kelly felt his face get red. He was still sitting at the table eating breakfast with Matt. He was getting ahead of himself.

On the _other_ hand, Kelly could have stopped him. He didn't really want to complicate anything. He hadn't been able to bring himself to say no to Matt for a long time.

Either way, they had both been clear minded last night. He was probably overthinking this whole thing. He wasn't sorry, Matt wasn't sorry, they weren't sorry.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Surprisingly to Kelly, Matt finished his breakfast and smoothie. He shoved his plate away from him and scratched his face. It had been more than a couple of days since he had shaved. Kelly couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Matt with more than a five-o'clock shadow.

Matt scowled. "If my hands weren't shaking so bad right now, I'd shave. This is just," He rubbed his hands up and down his cheeks. "I hate it. It sounds dumb, but this makes me feel even less like myself."

"I'll do it if you want. I'll give you a shave," Kelly blurted out before he could stop himself.

Matt smirked. "Let you that close to my throat with a sharp object?" He took another sip of coffee, his trembling hands betraying him yet again. "Fuck. Okay. Only if you want to, Kelly."

"I don't mind. Really, it might be really nice. You can just sit back and relax, and not have to worry about anything for a little while."

"Fine. I trust you." There was that smile again, the one that made Kelly ache a little inside his chest. The one that was tearing him up in all the best ways. The one that hadn't been around for a while.

"Okay, whenever you want, bud. Say the word. I got all the time in the world." Kelly drained his coffee.

"You want to do it now? I'll go shower first, I think it might make me feel a little bit better."

"Yeah, you go do that, and I'll clean up here. You know, I think I can do it out there on the porch. Is that okay? The bathroom's a little small for two people." Kelly started clearing plates away from the table as Matt stood up slightly unsteadily and headed to the bathroom.

"Yeah, Kel, that's fine. Whatever you think is good. I'll be out in a minute."

Kelly heard water running almost immediately. He thought maybe breakfast might have had a hard time staying down that morning for Matt. He felt a pang of guilt, thinking about how he had almost forced Matt to eat the plate of breakfast food. When he finally came out of the bathroom, though, he looked a little less ashy pale, and definitely not green. His hair was a mess of wet tangles, slightly grown out from the close-cropped cut he had been wearing.

Kelly had pulled a stool from the kitchen out onto the porch. "Sit here. That way it's easier for me to reach every angle and every side of your face. Put this on your face for a minute." Kelly handed Matt a warm, wet towel. It was soothing and calming, and momentarily eased the ache between Matt's eyes. The air outside of the cabin, by the lake, felt cool by comparison when Kelly pulled the towel off his face. Kelly smoothed some shaving cream into his face, and his fingers were so soft and gentle, massaging the foam through the coarse blond stubble.

"You do this for everybody, Kelly?" Matt was joking, of course.

"No, you're the first." Kelly had a _look_ on his face. "Now be quiet, unless you want me to cut your face open."

Matt closed his eyes.

Kelly made the first stroke of the razor, slowly pulling it towards him. The rasp of hair against the blade was the only sound, apart from the slow, calculated breathing that came out of both Matt and Kelly's noses. He rinsed the razor in a basin of water he had brought from the kitchen. He watched Matt take a deep breath and exhale slowly.

"Relax, bud. I'm not going to mess up your face, I promise."

"I'm not worried about that, Kel. I promise, I trust you."

Matt rested his open palms on his thighs. He didn't know what else to do with his hands. Somehow, they had stopped shaking, in the last twenty minutes or so. Maybe it was the breakfast he had been finally able to keep down.

Kelly finally finished one side of Matt's face, and moved to the other side. "Just take a deep breath. Relax. Breathe. You'll feel so much better when I'm done, I promise."

When he got to Matt's neck, he tapped the side of his head gently. "Tip your head back. I'm almost done."

Matt watched Kelly work from upside down. He was so focused, so intent. Matt barely registered the feel of the razor gliding over the delicate skin under his chin and his neck. Kelly squinted, and his tongue peeked out from the corner of his lips. He made one final pass of the razor.

"There. All done." Kelly grabbed the towel and wiped the little bits of shaving cream off of Matt's face and neck, then massaged a little bit of lotion into his cheeks. "How was that?"

Matt raised his eyebrows. "Nice. Very relaxing. Are you sure you haven't done that before?"

"Very sure. You think I'd do this for just anybody?" Kelly grinned.

Matt sat up and turned around, but not before Kelly placed his fingers on both sides of Matt's face. His cheeks were smooth under Kelly's light touch, and Kelly didn't see or feel any irritation or razor burn. _Because I did a damn good job._

Now, up close, he could see just how much older Matt looked. He hadn't noticed, until he was a hair's breadth away from him. It was the skin around his eyes that did it, the lines radiating all the way around on both sides of his eyes that managed to paint ten years onto his face that he didn't need. Still, his jawline was strong, sharp, and the skin underneath all that scruff after Kelly got rid of it was taut and young. His face still had a spark of youth that wouldn't leave, underneath the tired and haggard look he had taken on. Kelly thought that Matt would probably have that same spark of youth on his face when he was eighty years old.

Kelly yanked his hand away when he heard Matt take a sharp inhale. "Just...making sure I didn't miss a spot." Kelly's fingers trailed over the curve of Matt's cheekbone on one side of his face. "I think we're good."

Matt opened his mouth, but no words came out. He grinned instead, and Kelly sighed.

This was out of his hands now.

 

 

 

 

TBC

　

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, it's me again! :) 
> 
> There is a huge gigantic flashback fever dream from Matt, all in italics. Any other italics in the story are character's thoughts.
> 
> Quote at the beginning is from The Shawshank Redemption, and I thought it fit really well! Even with the name mentioned in the quote. 
> 
> I don't really know how many days these two have been at Benny's cabin. I think the time has just been a big blur, especially for Matt. 
> 
> Standard disclaimer of "I don't own CF, I don't make money off of it," applies.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

* * *

 

 

 " _S_ _ometimes it makes me sad, though...Andy being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend."-Ellis Boy "Red" Redding, The Shawshank Redemption_

 

* * *

 

　

Matt had been sleeping on and off throughout the day. It was cooler than it had been yesterday, and less humid. Kelly had opened the windows and the breeze through the bedroom window brought some sort of peacefulness to the time he had been laying in bed awake.

His dreams, however, were anything but peaceful.....

 

* * *

 

　

_It was a firefighter's funeral, for a fallen brother. That simple fact alone had made this day tough._

_But then, this was Andy's funeral. This would be one of the hardest days of Matt Casey's life._

 

* * *

 

_At the cemetery, Matt had stood with the rest of the firehouse, although he was just about as far away from Kelly as he could be._

_Not that it was his choice, though. He would never choose to be apart from Kelly, especially at a time like this. He wanted nothing more than to just be with Kelly, to stand side by side with him at their brother's funeral. To drink a beer, eat a burger, smoke a cigar, to cry with, or even yell at, just_ something _ **.**_

_The silence and distance between them was salt in the gaping, festering wound that was Andy's death. Kelly had ignored every single one of his texts and phone calls the last few days. He had tried over and over to get a response, but he had gotten nothing back._

_Now, at the funeral, Matt had been hoping Kelly would at least acknowledge him. Maybe he would be able to talk to him like before, and they could share a toast to Andy later on. He was beginning to think that wasn't going to happen._

_Slowly, everyone began to disperse from Andy's gravesite. Apparently the service was over, and Matt_   _had checked out at some point. He_ _hadn't had a clue what was going on. He looked over at Kelly, who was standing among the other squad members. Kelly pulled a flask out of his pocket and took an indiscreet drink, then passed it to Hadley. Kelly met his eyes uncomfortably for a second, then looked away immediately._

_This was how they were going to play this. Maybe if Matt just made the first move, that would break the silence, and the huge rift that had opened up between them would start to close up again. He walked over to where Kelly was standing, and reached one arm out to put around Kelly's shoulder. He needed it just as much as Kelly probably did._

_Kelly pulled away almost violently, and Matt flinched. "Not now, Casey."_

_The use of his last name, so official and cold, outside of the work environment of the firehouse stung a place inside Matt that he didn't even know was there. It wasn't even the use of his last name, necessarily. It was the way Kelly spat it out, like it disgusted him to even say it. Outside of the firehouse, he had always been Matt. Always._

_"I just wanted to..."_

_"I know what you just wanted to. Not here. This isn't the time or place for it. Just get out of my fucking face." Kelly tipped his flask back and drained it as he walked away, leaving a stunned Matt behind. He had been quiet enough, at least, out of respect for Andy and the mourners. Still, it was obvious to anyone who was paying attention that Kelly had thrown some serious anger in Matt's direction before he stormed out of the cemetery._

_Matt stood in the middle of the cemetery, surrounded by finality and coldness, all alone. Everyone else had drifted out towards their respective cars, and after Kelly's moment with Matt, a few remaining stragglers had taken off as well. He finally turned to head towards his truck to leave, eyes stinging the whole way. He sat down in the driver's seat, doors locked behind him, before the first choking sob escaped his lips._

_Andy was gone. Kelly might as well be gone too._

_It would be twenty minutes before Matt could pull himself together enough to drive away._

 

* * *

 

_Hermann and Cindy had put together a gathering after the funeral to celebrate Andy's life. It was mainly for the firehouse. Heather and the boys had dropped in for a little while, but the kids had been through so much that she had thought it best to take them home so they could be together, alone._

_It was five o'clock in the afternoon on the day of Andy's funeral, and Kelly was drunk. It was to be expected. Basically everybody in the firehouse knew Kelly had been drinking since nine that morning. Capp and Hadley had been trying to get Kelly to switch to a Coke, or coffee, or something other than whatever it was he had been drinking. Everyone had cut him off hours ago, and Hermann had even taken the bottles of scotch and whiskey and moved them to a safe place where Kelly couldn't serve himself. Somehow, despite that fact, Kelly had a consistently full glass of scotch with ice clinking against the sides. He had to have a bottle in his car that he was refilling his flask with, or something. He was still staying far away from Matt._

_That is, until he accidentally bumped into his arm walking past him in Hermann's backyard. Kelly shoved Matt so hard from behind that the force nearly knocked him on his face._

_"You. This is all because of you." He was slurring his speech, and he stumbled around as he pointed angrily at Matt. "You're a murderer. I don't know how you sleep at night, after what you did. You're the reason those boys are left without a father, and Heather's..." Kelly fell over and crushed a folding chair. All of the small, intimate conversations in the backyard among the firehouse and their friends and family came to a screeching halt. Everyone was now focused on this drunken explosion from Kelly. Everyone had stopped what they were doing completely. Even though it was Kelly who was behaving this way, Matt could still feel everyone's eyes like they were lasers boring holes into him._

_"You shouldn't even be here right now. This is for Andy's friends, not for the person who killed him." Kelly's face was flushed deep red, and he couldn't get himself up off of the ground._

_Matt was stunned speechless. No matter how strong the silence had been between the two of them, this was not what he had expected to find behind it. To hear those words come out of Kelly's mouth, words so numbingly hateful, it absolutely broke his heart. What was left of it, anyway._

_The worst part? He wasn't even sure that Kelly was entirely wrong. The guilt he felt about Andy that had been consuming him from the inside out told him that maybe Kelly was on the right track about this. Everything was just so fresh and raw, he couldn't wrap his mind around it._

_"Kelly, I didn't....." Matt choked. "I'm sorry."_

_"Yeah. I doubt that. I think you just feel sorry for yourself and you want people to feel sorry for you too. Well, you won't get that from me."_

_Matt watched as Boden and Hermann came up behind Kelly. Boden placed one hand on Kelly's shoulder and the other in his hand. "Come on, Kelly. Let's get you up." He pulled Kelly upright, and he stood unsteadily face to face with him. "I know you're angry, and I know you're upset. We're all grieving over Andy. But this is not the way to do it. This is not the way Andy would want you to be towards your brother right now." Boden took the glass of scotch out of Kelly's hand. Somehow, even after falling over, he had managed to not spill any liquor, which was a small wonder. "I think you've had enough. Hermann's_ _offered to let you sleep on the couch in his basement until you," Boden cleared his throat. "...feel better."_

_Hermann nodded and guided Kelly towards the patio steps inside the house. "It's a nice couch, Kelly. I'll bring you some bottles of water in case you need them. It's time to take it easy, okay? Just walk away and sleep it off."_

_Boden waited until Hermann and Kelly disappeared into the house before turning to face Matt. It took one compassionate, intent look from Boden for Matt to realize he had been holding his breath. He exhaled with a heavy sigh._

_"Kelly's blind right now. He's also drunk as hell. He's grieving, but I don't think he knows how. Looks like he went straight to the anger stage. It's not an excuse for the way he's acting. It's just..." Boden paused. "He's just blind to the truth, and he's not dealing with this in a healthy way."_

_Matt's chin trembled, and he forced back a sudden rush of tears. He was not going to cry in front of his Chief, no matter what. Not even if no one here would judge him for it, for any reason. "And just what would Kelly dealing with this in a healthy way look like, exactly?"_

_"He just can't see that this was an accident. A tragedy, yes, but also an accident. It could just as easily have been you, or Kelly, or Hermann, or Mouch, or anyone. It happens to people all the time, at random, for any reason, or no reason. Until Kelly realizes that, he won't be able to move on at all. He'll see it, eventually. I wish I knew when." Boden picked up the folding chair that Kelly had crushed and set it back up. "Why don't you sit down, just rest for a minute. I'm going to go check on Hermann, then I'll come back out and sit with you, okay?"_

_Matt nodded wordlessly. As soon as he looked up and around the backyard, everyone averted their eyes. No one would really look at him. They had to all be embarassed, mortified for him. He watched Shay go inside for a second, then come back out with two small plastic cups._

_"I saw you haven't been drinking. But I think Kelly made up for everyone else who wasn't." She held out a cup to Matt. "I brought you a shot of Jameson. I thought maybe you might want to drink to Andy, with me." They clinked plastic cups together, then knocked back the shots._

_"I'm sorry Kelly's being such an asshole. He's completely sick right now. I don't think he even knows what he's doing. Not that it makes it okay, the way he's acting..." Shay trailed off._

_"That's what Boden said, too. He's right." Matt clenched his eyes shut and rubbed his temples._

_"He'll pull his head out of his ass, I know he will, but you know how stubborn he is." Shay gave Matt a sad smile and a hug. She rubbed circles into his back. "No one else blames you. I want you to know that. So don't blame youself, okay?"_

_All Matt could do was nod. It felt good to hear those words, because he knew they were the truth. He just wished he was hearing them from someone else._

 

* * *

 

 

Matt was dimly aware of a cold towel wrapped up and placed gingerly on his forehead. He stirred, and moved his head only to feel shooting pains throughout his skull. He was both freezing cold, and burning up.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Kelly. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Tell him I'm sorry, Shay." Matt jerked awake, and realized he was in a bed. His legs were tangled up in the flat sheet, and he was shirtless. Still, he was drenched in sweat.

Kelly was sitting in a chair he had pulled over from the corner, right by the side of the bed. As soon as Matt sat up jerkily, he held out a bottle of Pedialyte. "I wasn't watching you sleep, I promise. I heard you, calling out in your sleep. I came in and you were thrashing around. I thought you were having a nightmare but I figured you'd wake up pretty quickly, which you did. I brought you something to drink. It'll make you feel better." His eyes were wide and scared looking. "I heard you say Shay's name."

Matt was still breathing heavily. He gasped for air, then gulped down a quarter of the bottle of Pedialyte. "Yeah. I guess I probably would have."

"You want to talk about it?" Kelly ventured tentatively.

Matt hesitated. Did he really want to reopen that old wound, the one that had not so much healed but scabbed over and scarred, in a place where no one really looked at it anymore?

"Well, I dreamed about Andy's funeral," Matt took a deep breath. "...and afterward."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Kelly licked his lips and nodded. "That explains why you were yelling and crying in your sleep."

"I've been dreaming about a lot of weird stuff, Kelly." Sweat dripped down the side of Matt's face. He pulled the towel down and mopped the droplets away.

"You don't want to talk about it, then?"

"Not really." Matt's voice cracked. He didn't want to go there, not unless he really had to. That was all in the past. He had moved on, and he didn't have any anger towards Kelly anymore because of Andy. He had never talked to Kelly about how he had behaved after Andy's funeral. There wasn't any reason to, at this point. Kelly had proven to him that he was sorry. He had _shown_ it to him, all these years since.

Kelly nodded. Fair enough. He understood.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Matt woke again to the sound of rain. The curtains blew through the slightly cracked window, and thunder rumbled in the distance. His body still ached, and he felt the stickiness of dried sweat all over his chest and face. There was a halfway cool towel on his forehead, though. Kelly had to have put it there just a short while ago. He looked around the room blurrily, when he realized that there was a weight in his right hand.

Kelly had fallen asleep on the other side of the bed, on top of the blanket and sheets that he had tucked around Matt. He was laying on his stomach, and his head was facing away from him. He was about as far away as he could get on the bed without falling off, but his right hand was clasped loosely around Matt's. It had gone slack with sleep, but it was there.

Matt rested his head back against the pillow and took a deep, slow breath. This was maybe the first time in this whole ordeal that he thought, _yeah, I might be okay. This might be okay in the end._

He went back to sleep, peacefully this time.

 

 

　

TBC

　


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kelly and Matt discover one of Benny's secret treasures, Kelly takes Matt for a ride, and they have a spiritual/therapeutic discussion. True feelings begin to be really uncovered. Pretty dialogue heavy, and some more rustic lake exploring. 
> 
> Sorry if my motorcycle research came up short, if there's any motorcycle people here. I didn't get too technical, just to be on the safe side. On the show, Kelly buys an antique Indian from Craigslist or something, and according to him, (paraphrased) he "got it cheap" which I highly doubt. Even a shitty, not working antique Indian bike is not really in the "cheap" category. But whatever. I just think Benny would have had a bike like that and Kelly might have fond memories of it. 
> 
> I really want to do the Sevasey content right, and this is the last chapter of the slow burn, the next few chapters after this, the slow burn progresses a little bit. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, as always, and thank you for the kudos and all the lovely and amazing comments!

 

* * *

 

 

 

Matt woke to sunlight coming through the fluttering curtains. He sat up straight in bed. There were different blankets on top than there were last night. The chair Kelly was sitting in next to the bed was also moved back into the corner. It looked like he had tried to move everything back into place. Matt swung his legs around the edge of the bed and dangled them off the side.

His head wasn't throbbing this morning. It was the first time for, well, it had been a while since he hadn't woken up with a massive headache. He hopped down off of the bed and felt the solid wood floor under his feet. The floor was cool, just like the air coming in through the window. Kelly had left it open for him.

Matt had no idea what time it even was. His phone was probably in the den, and probably dead at that. He swung open the partially open door to find Kelly sprawled out on the couch, legs crossed.

"Good morning! How are you feeling today? I was going to come in and check on you in a minute, you slept a long time."

"I feel a little better, Sev. A lot better, I think. I don't think I have a fever anymore."

"I don't think you do anymore, either, bud." Kelly hesitated. "You know how long you've been in there?"

Matt blinked. "No, I guess it's pretty late. I know I slept in, I wasn't sure how long though."

"You've been in there sleeping on and off for a whole day, Matt. I think you're getting all that stuff out of you, and you got some of the worst of it out. You'll keep feeling better from here, I know it."

Matt hoped Kelly was right. He guessed Kelly would know. He had been through it, after all.

"Hey, Kel?"

"Hmmm?"

"What's in that outbuilding, that little shed, out there? Is that yours too, that shed by that big tree?"

"Oh, yeah, that was Pops' too. He kept a bunch of stuff there. Mostly tools, camping stuff. You want to go check it out later, see if he had anything we could do anything with? That's one place I haven't gone through."

"Yeah, if you want to." Matt was hoping it would maybe have a canoe, or a rowboat or something. He was feeling good enough he thought he could get back outside again. Hopefully if he was able to, that would help him feel even better.

"You want to just go check it out now?"

"Sure, might as well."

Kelly tripped on a root sticking straight up out of the ground and almost fell flat on his face. Matt burst out laughing. "Maybe we're not supposed to get into Benny's shed."

"Yeah, nothing's going to stop me." Kelly held up a bolt cutter he had grabbed from the trunk of his car. "Always prepared. You never know when you might need something like this." He winked at Matt.

He definitely needed it; none of the keys on the keychain from Benny's stuff fit the lock. Kelly tried all of them, twice. He finally cut the bolt and yanked the chains off from around the doorhandles.  
"Let's see what kind of old shit Benny had locked up in here so tightly."

He pulled both doors open, and musty air knocked them in the face, along with a cloud of dust and dirt. Matt was the one who stepped in first. "Lots of tools. Look, there's a canoe. Right there, and there's the paddles." He pointed to the corner, where everything was piled.

Kelly nearly tripped over a loose floorboard.

"Shit, Sev. Be careful. Don't break your leg up here."

"You be careful, too. There could be rusty nails, brown recluses, or God knows what in here."

Both of them locked eyes on something against the back wall of the shed. It was covered with a heavy tarp. It was much less dusty and dirty than everything else in the shed. In fact, it looked like it hadn't been in here long at all. Whatever it was, Benny had probably put it in here pretty close to the time he passed.

"Kelly, you see that? Do you know what that is over there?" Matt saw tires near the floor that weren't quite covered up by the tarp.

Kelly grinned. "Hell yeah, I know what that is. I thought he sold it. I guess he just brought it up here to hide it." He pulled the heavy tarp off, the light dust hitting them both in the face.

Matt met Kelly's eyes with a wide smile that hit all the way to the corners of his eyes.

It was an antique motorcycle, beautiful and incredibly out of place in this dark and musty shed.

"Is that a..."

"Yeah. 1953 Indian Chief."

"Would you look at that." The keys were even still in the ignition. Matt touched the leather seat. It was buttery soft. The paint was flaking and patchy in a few spots, but the logo was still vibrant and fresh looking. "Damn. That is a classic. Do you have any idea where Benny got this?"

"I don't know. I was still a kid when I remember him buying it. He worked on it on and off when he could, or when he felt like it. He rebuilt the engine, rebuilt the transmission, some other stuff. I can't remember now what all he did to it."

"Does it run now?" Matt questioned eagerly.

Kelly grinned. "There's one way to find out."

Kelly walked the bike out onto the patchy grass outside the shed.

"Tank's empty. I got a full gas can in the trunk, though."

"I'll go get it." Matt grabbed the keys out of Kelly's hand as soon as he pulled them out of his pocket. He ran to get the gas can out of Kelly's car. He was so grateful that it was full.

Kelly filled up the tank and capped the lid back on tightly. "Well, here goes." He cranked the ignition and the Chief roared to life.

Matt and Kelly both started laughing, and they couldn't stop. Kelly turned off the switch and killed the ignition.

"You wanna go for a ride?"

Matt's eyes lit up. "Oh yeah. Definitely."

Kelly disappeared into the shed and returned with two helmets. "I don't know who Pops was riding around with on this bike, but there were two helmets here." He tossed one to Matt. "Safety first.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It wasnt like anything else Matt had experienced before, riding passenger on a motorcycle. He had never been on a bike before, and he didn't know if Kelly actually knew that.

That was fine, since Kelly had been riding for years, had a license and everything. All legit. Of course he trusted Kelly.

Matt had climbed on the bike behind Kelly. He turned around, and Matt could smell his soap and shaving cream and cinnamon gum he was chewing. "Just pull your legs up. I won't go that fast. Put your hands around my waist and don't let go, okay? You good?"

"Yeah, I'm good." Matt grinned widely, and the engine roared to life again. Something inside him, something small, clicked into place just a little bit. He thought this was maybe one of those moments that life was about, that was what happiness really was. But what did he really know?

Kelly throttled the bike, and they were off. Wind whipped in Matt's face as they turned down the road that led around the lake. He wasn't going that fast, just like he had promised. It was still exhilarating. It was a rush of adrenaline and something else, endorphins maybe, unlike any other rush he had ever experienced. It wasn't just the bike ride. It was the whole retreat: the lake, the cabin, Kelly. Everything.

It was all starting to make sense.

 _Really_ make sense.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Kelly stopped at a smaller dirt road, one that was probably meant for foot traffic or bicycles.

"Wanna explore, see what's up here?" Somehow, Matt thought that Kelly already knew what was at the end of the path.

"Why not? We're practically already there."

Kelly took it even slower this time, compared to before. Compared to how slow they were going before, this was practically a crawl. Kelly had seen too many grisly motorcycle accidents in his time on rescue squad to know better than to chance it.

Kelly thought he had remembered where this path led, and it turned out he was right. He had been going slightly uphill for a while now, and after a few minutes they reached a clearing. There were rocks, and patchy grass, and trees firmly rooted on either side. In front of them was water: blue, slightly murky, and deep.

It was the bluff they could see way in the distance on the other side of the lake. Kelly slowed to a halt, the bike idling beneath them. "I was hoping I remembered where this was." He flipped the switch and turned the key. He stepped off the bike, and Matt followed right behind him. They both set their helmets on the ground next to the bike.

Kelly walked almost to the edge of the bluff. He raised his right hand to shield his eyes from the bright midday sun, now that there was no tree cover. He pointed straight ahead. "See that? That's Benny's cabin. Right under that clearing in the trees."

Matt was right by his side. "It looks so small from up here, from this far away." The lake glittered, and bright sun reflected off the barely rippling surface. It was so still and quiet, especially from up here. Even the birds chirping in the trees seemed quiet.

"I'm sure there's some kind of spiritual message there." Kelly sat down and brought his knees to his chest. Matt sat down next to him, steadying himself on Kelly's shoulder.

"Something about perspective? Distance? Clarity?"

Kelly turned and laughed. "That's exactly what I was thinking. I think we're on the same wavelength."

"Yeah. I think we are too."

Kelly sucked in a breath. "You have a lot more strength and courage than you give yourself credit for, you know. A lot of people would have given up, after everything you've had to endure. Everyone has a breaking point. The important part is you didn't give up, even though I know it felt like the only thing that made sense. I know you have a hard time seeing it, but I can see it." He choked. "I didn't think you'd come up to Benny's cabin with me. I'm so glad you did. You don't know how much I wanted, needed you to." He stopped, dimly aware that Matt's lips were pressed together tightly. His stomach bottomed out. _Shit,_ Kelly thought, _that was too much, maybe._

"I would do anything for you. I love you, I don't want you to forget that."

Matt's eyes were red, and he blinked rapidly. He wiped at his eyes before anything spilled out. "I wouldn't forget that, Kelly. I can't forget that." Kelly's arm around his shoulder was warm and gentle, despite how strong it felt.

  
They stayed like that at the bluff until the sun began to visibly sink in the horizon. It had to be at least three or four o'clock. The two finally headed back to the cabin. Matt held onto Kelly's waist tightly the whole way. He was shaking a little bit, but it was barely held in nerves and something else, not withdrawal this time. He knew Kelly had to feel it, but he didn't care.

At the cabin, Kelly twisted the doorknob open. He hadn't bothered to lock up when they left. They both stepped in at the same time, nearly knocking each other into the doorjamb. Kelly laughed. "After you."

The door clicked behind them.

They were barely inside the cabin for three seconds before Matt's hands were roaming over Kelly's broad shoulders and biceps. He crushed his lips against Kelly's, tasting him gently and hungrily at the same time.

This time, Kelly kissed back.

Eagerly.

 

 

 

TBC

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is pretty dialogue-deprived, as you will read. It's strictly Sevasey, and I was aiming for something more on the erotic end......I hope it resonates :) 
> 
>  
> 
> It's a much lighter chapter, MUCH lighter, than pretty much any of the other previous lighter chapters. The boys need a damn break, after everything else that's been going on. 
> 
>  
> 
> As always, I don't own CF or its characters, and I'm not making money off of them.

　

* * *

 

 

"He's the warmest chord I ever heard, play that warm chord, play and stay baby..."- _My Old Man,_ Joni Mitchell

"Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt." _Slaughterhouse-Five_ , Kurt Vonnegut

　

* * *

 

 

_The door clicked behind them._

_They were barely inside the cabin for three seconds before Matt's hands were roaming over Kelly's broad shoulders and biceps. He crushed his lips against Kelly's, tasting him gently and hungrily at the same time._

_This time, Kelly kissed back._

_Eagerly_.

 

* * *

 

　

　

Kelly could barely register sounds around him over the raucous thudding of his heart inside his chest. Everything inside him was lit up in huge flashing lights, and he was rushing at ninety miles an hour.

Matt gripped the back of Kelly's neck with one hand and all but slammed him into the closed cabin door. Kelly didn't put up any kind of fight.

Kelly was almost surprised at the strength he felt coming off of Matt, especially given how much his body had been through, physically, in the recent past. He knew there was still lean muscle there, and underlying physicality, even after all the abuse he had put his body through. Matt's hands were everywhere, mapping out Kelly's body by touch. His fingers were like tiny electric shocks through Kelly.

Everything that had been building up had finally led to the only logical conclusion. All the tension and dancing around, there was only only one solution. They had found it.

Matt's lips were warm and soft, and Kelly thought dazedly that it was strange, Matt's lips being so soft. After a day of fever dreams and not getting enough water, they weren't even a little bit chapped or dry. His mouth moved with some kind of raw need, but was still gentle and even sweet in a way.

Kelly played it close to the vest, taking his cues from Matt. It was obvious he had wanted this for a while now. Kelly had, too. But Kelly thought that in this situation, for now, Matt was in charge. His time would come later.

Kelly's back was all the way up against the door, now, and Matt's fingers were scratching through his hair, the closely cropped hair in the back. His mouth moved from Kelly's mouth to his neck, leaving light kisses as he went. His cheeks and jaw rasped against Kelly's; neither one had shaved since the other day. When his lips reached Kelly's neck, Matt sucked gently, taking the skin between his teeth lightly. "Don't worry, Kel, I won't leave teeth marks."

Kelly moaned. "God. I don't care if you do."

While Matt's mouth was busy on Kelly's neck, his hands slid down Kelly's back, in search of the hem to his t-shirt. When he found it, his hands snaked underneath and upwards, and pulled the shirt up with his hands.

Kelly decided to help him out. He blindly grabbed at the front of his shirt and deftly yanked it over his head. He tossed it behind him on the couch. All Kelly could feel was Matt's eyes all over him. His stare was deep and urgent. Kelly realized in that moment that maybe the way he had been looking at Matt so intently and so closely the last few days was exactly the way Matt had been looking at him. They had been watching each other, and both needing something that turned out to be the same thing. They had both been unwilling, or just completely unaware of how to ask for it.

Until now.

They were probably going to make up for lost time.  Kelly was realizing everything, the whole truth, right alongside Matt.

Matt held Kelly's gaze as he pulled his hands away from Kelly long enough to pull his own shirt off too. They stood there, inches apart, breathing labored like they had just come in from a run. Matt's hands began to slide again, slowly, as he moved against Kelly. Kelly felt his blunt fingernails and smooth fingertips against his skin.

The feeling of someone else calling the shots was new for Kelly, and he couldn't say that he wasn't enjoying it. But this wasn't just enjoyment for enjoyment's sake. This was way more than just lust: raw, primal, animal-like need to fuck, this was more than that. There was a huge difference between someone he hooked up with for one night, and someone he had known for well over a decade. The trifecta of lust, attraction, and attachment was a deadly combination, one that was now firing on all cylinders.

This was _Matt._ His buddy from the academy, his wingman of many years, his roommate, copilot, co-conspirator, and best friend. _God._ Kelly tried to think of a major moment in the last ten years of his life, good or bad, that Matt wasn't in, or had something to do with in some way. He came up short, just like he expected.

Whatever the reason, the two of them were obviously fated to be in each other's lives. So far, even acts of God hadn't separated them. It always seemed like their biggest obstacle, then and now, was themselves.

Not anymore.

　

* * *

 

 

 

Kelly felt Matt's fingers grasp at his belt, unbuckling the clasp. "Is...is this okay, Kel?" Matt's cheeks were flushed, and his pupils were dilated.

Kelly's cock twitched when he felt Matt's hands brush up against his stomach right above his waistband. He was already hard, and he knew Matt had to have felt him against his leg as he moved against him. "Yeah. Yes. Fuck, yes." The belt came off, and it joined the t-shirts on the couch behind them.

Right now, Kelly didn't think there was anything that he would answer to Matt with a no.

Somehow, and Kelly wasn't sure how, they were suddenly on the couch. That old, falling apart couch.

It was everything, and all at once. It was smoke, and heat, and fire. All things that Kelly was used to running headfirst into.

Kelly was almost flat on his back, and Matt slowly crawled up to his knees. "Can I..." Kelly didn't let him get any more words out. "You do whatever you want." He grinned wickedly.

The next thing Kelly knew was Matt's mouth around him, so warm and wet and _good_ that his brain went back into that headfirst spiral. He twisted his fingers tenderly through Matt's hair. It was finally beginning to grow out and Kelly thought it reminded him of Matt's hair when he met him at the academy. He held a strand of dark blond hair between his thumb and finger as he came with a shudder and a moan.

"God, that was perfect." Kelly untangled his fingers from Matt's hair. "You're perfect, you know that, right?"

Matt wiped at his mouth and face with one of their t-shirts. "Kinda messy now, though. Maybe we should, I don't know. Take a shower or something?"

Kelly sat up, mouth curved upwards on one side. "We?"

"Yeah, we should take a shower. Don't you think that's a good idea?"

Kelly didn't have to be asked twice.

　

　

　

TBC


End file.
